tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46567449153691216892024-03-08T07:35:47.946-08:00Therapy With CareI am a licensed therapist in Los Angeles, CA. I write articles about sexual fetish, trauma, and relationships.Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-66040732055509614312023-04-24T19:08:00.033-07:002023-04-26T19:34:22.528-07:00 Psychological Realities of Sex Workers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="864" data-original-width="1296" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy63zjmRthe_QvsvjGW-g9ReNrM4DWEsrmKz4COa6G76apVVZ0jF-LgPn9U7QgBQyfkcp5O--fodOHiAlpb1plvsarnLnRUTfdHuI6lxb46zF-L6eVNgboK1roWzwE2fGbhAOIUEPlPJ4y_7QQllgSw-zapGV8_Eg_Lg4v5PortKGMt9PTfYJiJ-Vdqw/w450-h300/Sex%20Worker%20Protest.jpg" width="450" /></span></div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="41f7g-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="41f7g-0-0"><span data-offset-key="41f7g-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">There are many jobs that fall under the umbrella of sex worker. They range from nude dancer to adult film performer to escort. While each have very different aspects to the job themselves, they all come with the same difficult issues. The psychological realities of sex work can, at times, be challenging and painful. Society in general has made significant steps forward with acceptance but chances are good, you’ll still be subject to some kind of fallout for being in the adult business. </span></div><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="41f7g-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="6m7ru-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="6m7ru-0-0"><span data-offset-key="6m7ru-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Being Shunned</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="2edg4-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="2edg4-0-0"><span data-offset-key="2edg4-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">Everyone has a different experience with being shunned. The most common tale are parents who guilt you for what you’re doing or worse, simply don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. They have negative misconceptions about the industry. They even deny you the opportunity to tell your side or explain why you chose and prefer this occupation. In that case, there’s really nothing you can do. You simply go on with your life. Unfortunately, you also carry that crappy feeling of being abandoned and unloved. In many cases, you may have already carried that feeling about your family anyway, so the break is probably a good thing.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="7a5c0-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="7a5c0-0-0"><span data-offset-key="7a5c0-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="3r7fo-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="3r7fo-0-0"><span data-offset-key="3r7fo-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Issues with Institutions</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="alfkj-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="alfkj-0-0"><span data-offset-key="alfkj-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">Other institutions such as churches, banks and insurance companies also make it known that people from the adult industry are not welcome. The church is of course hypocritical but the banks and insurance companies hit where it hurts. People need banks and insurance to function in society.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="98mq0-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="98mq0-0-0"><span data-offset-key="98mq0-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="1jste-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="1jste-0-0"><span data-offset-key="1jste-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">Banks are notoriously troublesome. They have even gone as far as to freeze the accounts of adult film performers during ‘Operation Choke Point.’ This was a United States Department of Justice initiative beginning in 2013. The DOJ claimed they were investigating banks for fraud and money laundering practices. Many business were investigated such as online gambling, debt consolidation, fireworks and ammunition sales. While the DOJ initiative was to target illegal activities, the bank accounts of many adult film actors and other sex works were frozen or closed. This led to significant financial hardship and is considered a form of discrimination; especially for sex work that is completely legal. The true hypocrisy is that these sex workers paid taxes, which they government was happy to take, but were denied a simple bank account.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="48qvp-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="48qvp-0-0"><span data-offset-key="48qvp-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="bov5l-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="bov5l-0-0"><span data-offset-key="bov5l-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">Insurance companies are very hesitant to insure any type of adult business citing a ‘moral hazard.’ A moral hazard is a situation where the person or business owner is thought to have an incentive to increase their exposure to risk because of their insurance coverage. In reality, these are business owners seeking coverage of their business and employees. They are doing what any other business own would do. </span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="55ffh-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="55ffh-0-0"><span data-offset-key="55ffh-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="cscu7-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="cscu7-0-0"><span data-offset-key="cscu7-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Issues in Your Relationship</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="1rrcp-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="1rrcp-0-0"><span data-offset-key="1rrcp-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">Many partners will enter a relationship with a sex worker with the attitude that they fine with the profession. However, this can quickly change as the relationship progresses. Sure, it’s exciting to date an adult film actress or nude dancer, but as the relationship grows more serious, certain feelings can arise.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="3q9be-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="3q9be-0-0"><span data-offset-key="3q9be-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="bhhsv-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="bhhsv-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="bhhsv-0-0" style="font-weight: bold;">1) Jealousy</span><span data-offset-key="bhhsv-0-1"> - This comes up for both vanilla partners and those within the industry itself. When you’re off to a shoot or off to see a client, they eventually may not like it. Once we are attached to someone, especially sexually, it seems we can instinctually become uncomfortable with sex acts outside the relationship. This isn’t true for everyone, but I hear it a lot. Just as in a ‘swinger relationship,’ boundaries and trust are extremely important.</span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="3hk7b-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="3hk7b-0-0"><span data-offset-key="3hk7b-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="922eq-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="922eq-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="922eq-0-0" style="font-weight: bold;">2) Keeping You a Secret</span><span data-offset-key="922eq-0-1"> - Your partner may be reluctant to introduce you to their family or friends. They may have concerns as to what others will think. Honestly, this would not even be an issue with someone who is genuinely okay with what you do. Technically, it should not be an issue. The work you do should be like the color of your skin or your gender identity. It should not matter. You should not have to apologize, hide or be made to feel ashamed about your profession.</span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="fm74c-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="fm74c-0-0"><span data-offset-key="fm74c-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="arlmp-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="arlmp-0-0"><span data-offset-key="arlmp-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">You partner should understand this. First, they don’t have to say anything as I doubt that you will wear a sign that says, “I’m in the adult business.” Secondly, who cares what anyone thinks? Any relationship is about the people who are involved. Everyone is bigger than the job they do; as is the relationship.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="f0ptf-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="f0ptf-0-0"><span data-offset-key="f0ptf-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="frm4f-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="frm4f-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="frm4f-0-0" style="font-weight: bold;">3) Schedule Conflicts</span><span data-offset-key="frm4f-0-1"> - You get home and 4am. Your partner gets up at 6am. That allows very little time to be together. You also might have to work weekends which is another challenge. Unless you have a very solid relationship, it will eventually become an issue and a deal breaker.</span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="bpasc-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="bpasc-0-0"><span data-offset-key="bpasc-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="5a70s-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="5a70s-0-0"><span data-offset-key="5a70s-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Your Own Shame</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="eium9-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="eium9-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="eium9-0-0">Shame is a feeling that is characterized by a deep seated belief that ‘I am wrong.’ This is in direct opposition to real guilt which is based on the idea that ‘I </span><span data-offset-key="eium9-0-1" style="font-style: italic;">did</span><span data-offset-key="eium9-0-2"> something wrong.’ While guilt is not a great feeling it’s something that can often be corrected. However, shame lives deep inside. </span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="c9255-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="c9255-0-0"><span data-offset-key="c9255-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="6mdm4-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="6mdm4-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="6mdm4-0-0">Shame develops early on. Anyone who was sexually molested as a kid or was physical or emotionally abused, did what they had to do to survive. Often, this was simply being ‘seen but not heard.’ You obeyed your abuser did what you could to appease them lived in a state of freeze or collapse. You were there in body but split off into your own world. You did what ever you had to do in order to </span><span data-offset-key="6mdm4-0-1" style="font-style: italic;">survive</span><span data-offset-key="6mdm4-0-2">. </span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="ebhjk-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="ebhjk-0-0"><span data-offset-key="ebhjk-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="4gjsj-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="4gjsj-0-0"><span data-offset-key="4gjsj-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">Today you look beautiful. You speak eloquently and win awards. Yet, sometimes when you are alone, you don’t really like yourself. This is not your fault and has very little to do with being an adult entertainer. It’s all about your early days on earth.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="egl6s-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="egl6s-0-0"><span data-offset-key="egl6s-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="adfpt-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="adfpt-0-0"><span data-offset-key="adfpt-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Early Childhood Traumas</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="68kfj-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="68kfj-0-0"><span data-offset-key="68kfj-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">Despite popular thinking, many sex workers didn’t get into the business solely because of early childhood trauma. If that were the case, the adult entertainment business would have more people than it knew what to do with. While, some people were sexualized as children, many were not. So we can not make blanket assumptions. However, early childhood trauma is quite prevalent. The adult business actually has its benefits which are generally not mentioned by the general public but are helpful in address and healing these traumas.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="8p5vg-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="8p5vg-0-0"><span data-offset-key="8p5vg-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="9sn42-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="9sn42-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="9sn42-0-0" style="font-weight: bold;">1) You have chosen your own path</span><span data-offset-key="9sn42-0-1"> - Despite what others think or say, you are doing something that others wouldn’t. You have chosen to break barriers and be sexually free. You help others get in touch with their own sexuality. The work you do is important. And it’s important for you to know you are doing something that is life affirming. The idea is to do it with pride and with no apology. </span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="7ncgm-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="7ncgm-0-0"><span data-offset-key="7ncgm-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="10ba9-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="10ba9-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="10ba9-0-0" style="font-weight: bold;">2) You have the ability to set boundaries</span><span data-offset-key="10ba9-0-1"> - You now have to the ability to set your own standards. You can speak up and say, “No!”; something you could not do as a child in a trauma situation. You are now your own boss. You can select the jobs you take. You can also negotiate your salary and have a large say in what you will or won’t do. You can also choose who you want to do scenes with, the type of scenes you will do and also the type of scenes that are off limits. </span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="9voht-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="9voht-0-0"><span data-offset-key="9voht-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="c1ajs-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="c1ajs-0-0"><span data-offset-key="c1ajs-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">If working with clients privately, you get to set boundaries by choosing your specialty area, the type of client you are seeking and behavioral expectations. This is different from how you grew up because children traditionally have very little say in their lives. Many vanilla workers navigate their adult lives in a state of freeze or withdrawal because that is way they learned to survive. They may never experience the freedom that you do. </span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="83ui1-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="83ui1-0-0"><span data-offset-key="83ui1-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="fbtiv-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="fbtiv-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="fbtiv-0-0" style="font-weight: bold;">3) You have financial freedom</span><span data-offset-key="fbtiv-0-1"> - You probably know that making ‘easy money’ in the adult business is a fallacy. However, if you work it smart, you will make enough to pay your bills and hopefully save some money on the side. The ability to take care of yourself financially is very freeing. It means you are not beholden to anyone else.</span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="e4kf6-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="e4kf6-0-0"><span data-offset-key="e4kf6-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="3r5lc-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="3r5lc-0-0"><span data-offset-key="3r5lc-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Self Help Guidelines</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="al1fg-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="al1fg-0-0"><span data-offset-key="al1fg-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">There are many way to navigate the business of being a sex worker. Seeing a therapist is always one of my top recommendations. Aside from that, here are a couple of things you can do right now to help yourself.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="ceea0-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="ceea0-0-0"><span data-offset-key="ceea0-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="eihhf-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="eihhf-0-0"><span data-offset-key="eihhf-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Learn to be Your Own Cheerleader</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="bh40h-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="bh40h-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="bh40h-0-0">Notice your own self-talk. Is the voice in your head reminiscent of critical parents or teachers? Are you putting yourself down when you take off your make up and get into bed at night? One of the nice parts of being an adult is that you can see things from a new perspective. Hurtful things that people told you during your formative years are </span><span data-offset-key="bh40h-0-1" style="font-style: italic;">lies</span><span data-offset-key="bh40h-0-2">. When you are honest with yourself, you know who you are and what you stand for. Learn to speak kindly to yourself and most of all, talk back to the bullies in your head. It’s important to develop your own voice and speak truthfully to yourself. </span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="153tc-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="153tc-0-0"><span data-offset-key="153tc-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="cic36-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="cic36-0-0"><span data-offset-key="cic36-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Be Choosey with Your Friends</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="cvvhk-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="cvvhk-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="cvvhk-0-0">Social connection is everything when it comes to feeling good about yourself. When we were young, we had to survive with whatever hand we were dealt. Today </span><span data-offset-key="cvvhk-0-1" style="font-style: italic;">you</span><span data-offset-key="cvvhk-0-2"> are in charge. Your only obligation is to yourself. Friends are people who you feel good to be around. That good feeling stays with you after the time is over. They are interested in you as a human being, what you stand for, and the inner emotions that you express. Most of all, they are people who prove themselves to be trustworthy and honor the inner thoughts you share. They don’t gossip or put you down. They are just good people; plain and simple.</span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="2jp34-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="2jp34-0-0"><span data-offset-key="2jp34-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="1o2ml-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="1o2ml-0-0"><span data-offset-key="1o2ml-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Allow People to be Good to You</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="363l4-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="363l4-0-0"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span data-offset-key="363l4-0-0">Do you find yourself shying away from people who are nice? Notice yourself feeling untrusting of the good people? That is a reaction from your past to be aware of in the present. Some people </span><span data-offset-key="363l4-0-1" style="font-style: italic;">are</span><span data-offset-key="363l4-0-2"> actually good. They want to listen, invite you over and are interested in you. When you’ve grown up in an imperfect environment, the natural inclination is to distrust. Ironically, the people you might find yourself drawn to are people who are abusive users and out only out for themselves. Don’t let their charm fool you because they will eventually be like the other hurtful people in your past. Just because it feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s right.</span></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="5ugkm-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="5ugkm-0-0"><span data-offset-key="5ugkm-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="1vkmu-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="1vkmu-0-0"><span data-offset-key="1vkmu-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">Learning to be discerning of social connection will take time. First, you have to develop your own inner radar to distinguish between good and bad. The rule of thumb here is to take your time and be patient with people you meet, date or befriend. No snap judgements either way. Learn to be neutral and observe behaviors. It will feel foreign at first but you can learn to do it. Give each new person some time to reveal who they really are before jumping in too deep.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="ahiae-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="ahiae-0-0"><span data-offset-key="ahiae-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="cqrcc-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="cqrcc-0-0"><span data-offset-key="cqrcc-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">Therapy Helps</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="d9bn4-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="d9bn4-0-0"><span data-offset-key="d9bn4-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">It’s okay to ask for help. The basic concepts I’m presenting need explanation and modification to fit your personal needs and goals. I’m a trauma informed and trauma trained therapist that has worked with people in the adult entertainment business for many years. I am also familiar with alternative sexual lifestyles and gender difference. I am extremely non-judgmental and effective in what I do. I also have the ability to make you feel as comfortable as possible when you first come to see. As we develop our own unique therapeutic relationship, you’ll actually look forward to your therapy sessions. </span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="403oa-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="403oa-0-0"><span data-offset-key="403oa-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="88mfo-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="88mfo-0-0"><span data-offset-key="88mfo-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">The work won’t be easy. Dealing with shame is often equivalent to throwing away rotten meat. Eventually you can discard it and meet the part of you that was born good, kind and creative. It’s my hope to have the honor of guiding you. If not me, please connect with someone you feel would be comfortable, accepting and genuinely willing to help you.</span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="8e4j3-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="8e4j3-0-0"><span data-offset-key="8e4j3-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div class="_25Ehb _3qYRK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 rich_content_P public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr fixed-tab-size TnW2P" data-block="true" data-editor="editor" data-offset-key="ahdkv-0-0" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="ahdkv-0-0"><span data-offset-key="ahdkv-0-0" style="font-family: helvetica;">- Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT</span></div></div>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-75795174016111754782015-05-11T21:00:00.001-07:002023-04-26T21:07:02.672-07:005 Secrets To Good Therapy<div style="text-align: left;"><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;">There's a huge difference between choosing a medical doctor and choosing a psychotherapist. While both look at symptoms and offer treatment, the therapeutic relationship is far more complex and personal. Even though most therapists receive the same basic training, the dynamics between patient and client are as variable as the personalities inside the room.</span></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0XK7N8ZnHpLajwjVZ4A9NztnC2qZLIKprC5wJ_iO-QUfSBLW5NnNWfk-fkH7MqB9t6L8z43v6XbDL9r9ixJLoL7UacnE0B4-YuE3QNS1HMwvvJWLgWov63sNEnJ88oh-KNTU12FXB6vZeeN-O5uFlCboMqVqoKr0jHX9DgbeE7OSIMZVsvNu1Z62CZw/s720/Good%20Therapy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="720" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0XK7N8ZnHpLajwjVZ4A9NztnC2qZLIKprC5wJ_iO-QUfSBLW5NnNWfk-fkH7MqB9t6L8z43v6XbDL9r9ixJLoL7UacnE0B4-YuE3QNS1HMwvvJWLgWov63sNEnJ88oh-KNTU12FXB6vZeeN-O5uFlCboMqVqoKr0jHX9DgbeE7OSIMZVsvNu1Z62CZw/s320/Good%20Therapy.jpg" width="320" /></a></i></div><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;">When evaluating your own therapy experience, trust yourself. Your therapist might be highly qualified or come highly recommended. But only you know if your therapist is the right one for you. </span></i><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: snow; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica;">1. Do you enjoy going to see your therapist? </span></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); background-color: snow; color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">It's a given that people seek out therapy when they are in emotional pain. Break-ups, loss of a loved one and debilitating anxiety or depression are common reasons to seek out therapy. Just because your life is in pain, doesn't mean the experience has to be painful. Ideally, you should look forward to going to therapy. That's because your therapist provides a comfortable, soothing retreat.</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">If you find yourself dreading your therapy appointments, it's a good idea to do some soul searching. Are there concrete reasons for your discomfort? Does the therapist remind you of someone else? Would your therapist be open to your feedback? If you feel that there are 'irreconcilable differences', it's OK to see someone else. Just be honest and communicate. The way you behave with your therapist mimics your behavior in real life. Treat her with the kind of respect you'd like for yourself. </span></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica;">2. Do you feel heard? </span></b></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">There's a big difference between someone who listens halfheartedly and someone who hears you. In therapy, the goal is to be heard and understood. You ought to leave each session feeling that your therapist really 'gets' what you are saying. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">An attentive therapist will do more than just nod her head. She'll ask probing questions and paraphrase what your'e saying. She'll listen with an air of curiosity and openness. If she's not quite getting you, she'll let you know. You and your therapist are a team. And that team is based on you and your therapy goals. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica;">3. Does your therapist talk too much about herself?</span></b></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">The therapy room is all about you. That's why you are paying a professional. And that's the luxury of therapy. The focus of meetings are totally about your life. Sometimes therapists will disclose something personal in order to make a point.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Usually that's OK. However if it is excessive to the point that you feel a need to help her, be careful. Therapy is not about making a friend. It's a unique relationship based on boundaries and a structured frame. The frame is the therapy room. The less you know about your therapist, the better the therapy. Freud called that transference. He recommended that the therapist be a 'blank screen'. This allows you to experience a relationship with someone who might have been absent or gave you less than what you needed. Usually that would be a parent, caretaker or teacher. Therapy is often about being re-parented or unconditionally accepted by an authority figure. Your therapist needs to let you assign the role most needed for your own personal healing. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica;">4. Does your therapist tell you what to do?</span></b></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Life coaches tell you what to do. Therapists empower you so that you can make your own decisions. By providing a space of unconditional acceptance and support, you will learn how to tune in and get a sense of what you really want. You will learn to understand the difference between distorted feelings and fact. These skills are life sustaining and will serve you for the rest of your life. You will learn how to make rational decisions on your own. You will never be told what to do. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Sometimes it's tempting to ask for advice. While she may tell you what she would do if she were in your shoes, ultimately only you know what's best for you. Your therapist serves as a guide; never an authority figure. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica;">5. Does your therapist judge?</span></b></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">The therapy room promises to be nonjudgmental. But do you feel that way? Remember that oftentimes we feel judged when we aren't. That's because we project feelings from others on to the person we are interacting with in the moment. That projection is a form of transference. Sometimes we unconsciously seek out disapproval because it's familiar. Just because you feel comfortable in your old shoes, it doesn't mean they are right for your feet. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">You need to be cognizant of how you are being treated in the therapy room. Don't assume the worst. But at the same time, don't take the blame. If you feel you are being judged, check it out with your therapist.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">It just may be a case of transference. Or, your therapist might actually have strong opinions. Remember they are human too. A good therapist will admit mistakes and find truth in what you are saying. You have the right to a non-judgmental environment. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica;">In Summary</span></b></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">The therapy experience is as unique as you and the person you are seeing. Unlike the doctor/patient experience, it's not all about science. It's a relationship based on compatibility, communication and trust. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">These days, online therapy websites are as utilized as online dating websites. And that's the way many are seeking a therapist. They look at pictures, profiles and fees. They send a few emails, make a phone call and set up an appointment. It's very hit or miss. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Sometimes people are happy with their choice but sometimes they aren't. However, unlike a date, most people feel that they are stuck in their choice. They feel compelled to stick it out but more often they give up on the idea of therapy. They judge one experience and condemn the entire process. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">You have rights and you have say. It's okay to exercise your opinion. And, if your communications fall on deaf ears, it's okay to break up and move on. </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Move on to the next therapist but don't give up on therapy. Therapy is a wonderful, healing and life affirming experience. Yes, I'm a therapist. And yes, I do my best to live up to standards I've shared with you.</span></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p></div><div><em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #333232; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><div data-hook="rcv-block41" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-style: normal; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="paragraph"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-7t1vf" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-style: normal; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block42" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-style: normal; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><p class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-ea94b" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">This article was written for and appears on <a class="_3Bkfb _1lsz7" data-hook="linkViewer" href="https://ravishly.com/2015/05/11/5-secrets-good-therapy" rel="noopener noreferrer noopener" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; font-style: var(--ricos-custom-link-font-style,unset); font-weight: var(--ricos-custom-link-font-weight,unset); line-height: var(--ricos-custom-link-line-height,unset); margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-link-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank"><u class="_3zM-5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Ravishly</u></a>.</span></span></p><div data-hook="rcv-block43" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-style: normal; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="paragraph"></div><div class="_2vd5k iG0hRj" id="viewer-61fcu" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-style: normal; margin: 15px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a class="_3mt3E _17-_F MecilX MecilX _1GSK2" href="https://ravishly.com/2015/05/11/5-secrets-good-therapy" rel="noopener noreferrer noopener" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin: 0px 40px 0px 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline; width: 200px; z-index: 1;" target="_blank"><div class="_2kEVY" data-hook="imageViewer" role="button" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: var(--ricos-custom-p-color,unset); font-style: var(--ricos-custom-p-font-style,unset); font-weight: var(--ricos-custom-p-font-weight,unset); line-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-line-height,unset); margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: var(--ricos-custom-p-text-decoration,unset); vertical-align: baseline;" tabindex="0"><div class="_3WJnn _2i-Gt _2Ybje" id="new-image4901" style="--dim-height: 56; --dim-width: 200; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); aspect-ratio: var(--dim-width)/var(--dim-height); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 200px;"><wow-image class="gXpdtc " data-animate-blur="" data-bg-effect-name="" data-has-ssr-src="" data-image-info="{"containerId":"new-image4901","displayMode":"fill","isLQIP":true,"isSEOBot":false,"lqipTransition":"blur","imageData":{"width":200,"height":56,"uri":"98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png","name":"","displayMode":"fill"}}" data-src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png/v1/fill/w_280,h_78,al_c,lg_1,q_85,enc_auto/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png" data-transitioned="" id="98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit; display: block; height: 56px; width: 200px;"><img alt="" data-load-done="" data-pin-media="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png/v1/fill/w_280,h_78,al_c,lg_1,q_85/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png" data-pin-url="https://www.therapywithcare.com/post/5-secrets-to-good-therapy" fetchpriority="high" src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png/v1/fill/w_280,h_78,al_c,lg_1,q_85,enc_auto/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; filter: none; height: 56px; margin: 0px; object-fit: cover; object-position: 50% 50%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; transition: filter 0.8s ease-in 0s; vertical-align: baseline; width: 200px;" /></wow-image></div><div class="" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"></div><div class="" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"></div></div></a></div><div data-hook="rcv-block44" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-style: normal; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="image"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-6vcgp" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-style: normal; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block45" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-style: normal; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-9fbu7" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-style: normal; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block46" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-style: normal; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-484db" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-style: normal; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block47" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-style: normal; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-fm5ur" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-style: normal; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block48" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-style: normal; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><p class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-ej5as" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">© 2015 Jackie A Castro, MA, LMFT</span></span><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></span></span></p></span></em></div><div data-hook="rcv-block1" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #333232; font-family: helvetica-w01-light, helvetica-w02-light, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" type="paragraph"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-9fg24" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #333232; direction: ltr; font-family: helvetica-w01-light, helvetica-w02-light, sans-serif; font-size: var(--ricos-custom-p-font-size,unset); line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-38744927902096511152015-04-09T20:46:00.046-07:002023-04-26T20:55:10.050-07:00Not So Smart After All: 5 Mistakes Couples Make With Their Phones<div style="text-align: left;"><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b>It's human nature to reminisce about the past.</b> <b>It's easy to glorify our old boyfriends and girlfriends decades after the fact.</b> <b>We used to keep these thoughts to ourselves.</b> <b>Now there's an easy way to act on our daydreams.</b></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><br /></b></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(29, 29, 29); color: #1d1d1d; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyFyUexw1u9xWVZN65I3E8GO05KxJuYnt1QT7fzAh9rNaiNR-2jjaZ4OcTSbDVAGed91DT2bszWlRmMCTrbgTn1dyZ_i4ep80Wxp4i4YC-hmG5Tc9N9Gg9H0tLqSY1wIr5dSLqDObGcGSPS0zUuPt8nAbTnl_4vNfX9otOpiIVu8GGd5lgw-Dv4rrvrA/s1080/Bad%20Phone%20Habits.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyFyUexw1u9xWVZN65I3E8GO05KxJuYnt1QT7fzAh9rNaiNR-2jjaZ4OcTSbDVAGed91DT2bszWlRmMCTrbgTn1dyZ_i4ep80Wxp4i4YC-hmG5Tc9N9Gg9H0tLqSY1wIr5dSLqDObGcGSPS0zUuPt8nAbTnl_4vNfX9otOpiIVu8GGd5lgw-Dv4rrvrA/s320/Bad%20Phone%20Habits.jpg" width="213" /></a></span></div><span style="background-color: snow; font-family: helvetica;">Smart Phones. We </span><i style="background-color: snow; font-family: helvetica;">love</i><span style="background-color: snow; font-family: helvetica;"> them. We take them everywhere. We bedazzle them with stylish cases. They help us pass the time while waiting. But</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="background-color: snow; font-family: helvetica;"> </span><span style="background-color: snow; font-family: helvetica;">did you know that your beloved 6 inches of plastic and programming could very well be the trigger that leads to relationship discord?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-family: helvetica;">As a Marriage Family Therapist and relationship specialist, smart phones play a surprisingly huge role in relationship drama. The following are five of the most common mistakes people make with their smart phones:</span><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>1.</b> <b>Using Facebook and other social media when you're with your partner.</b></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">"My wife used to greet me with a kiss when I got home from work. Now she barely looks up from her phone. It seems like no matter where we are, or what we're doing, she's buried in Facebook."</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Couples complain bitterly about coming home to busy thumbs rather than wiling lips. Social media, texting and electronic communications are killing intimacy.</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Business transactions and communications used to be limited to the basic work week schedule. Not anymore. These days business is literally taking place 24/7. People text or email whenever a thought pops into their head. And they also seem to expect a reply as instantaneous as the communique. There's no thought that a person might be out to dinner, spending time with the family or having sex. These days, the electronic intrusion takes precedence over everything else.</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica;">We're forgetting how to be present with each other in the moment. Most couples are not even aware of the damage that phones and social media are causing. Look no further than your smart phone to see a device that ostensibly brings the world together, but tears couples apart.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica;">Set your priorities straight. If it's something that can wait until tomorrow, make sure and do that. Friends and business acquaintances will soon get the hint and be more cognizant of when to contact you. Be proactive with your phone. Remember you control the phone, the phone doesn't control you.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2.</b> <b>Texting when you're with your partner.</b></span><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">"She's always texting. Sometimes it happens even when we're in bed watching TV.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">She tells me that it has to do with business matters that can't wait. More often, she's just chatting with a friend. I try to be patient but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm second fiddle to her phone."</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">It's one thing to check your calendar and it's another thing to text. A text conversation is the same as a phone conversation with one important difference. It's completely private. Would you whisper to someone else in front of your spouse? Would you have a side conversation while your partner is standing right beside you? That's what you're doing when texting. It's rude and unnecessary. And more and more it's becoming a point of contention in long-term relationships.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Keep text conversations to a minimum when spending time with your partner. Be courteous and put the phones down. If<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>you absolutely need to have that text exchange, be sure to inform your<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>significant other why you are sending or receiving a text. Better yet, show him your phone. That way no one is left guessing or feeling slighted.</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>3.</b> <b>Snooping on your partner's phone.</b><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">"Can you imagine? I woke up from surgery and Beverly was glaring at me.Turns out she was reading my texts the whole time I was under. Now she's seeing things that aren't true. I hate the constant distrust. This kind of snooping behavior is a real turn off."</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">We can't help but look. It's ever so tempting. But poring through your partner's text messages almost never ends up well. Invariably, someone is violated or busted.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Most commonly, the texts are misinterpreted. Beverly found messages to his ex-wife of 15 years. Since the divorce was amicable, some of the messages were friendly. As a result, Beverly jumped to conclusions. Her boyfriend hated the false accusations so he ended the relationship. Ironically, this is what Beverly feared most, but she literally pushed him away.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Make judgments based on real evidence, not inconclusive text messages. When you think something is off, go to the source. That's your partner. Talk and talk again. Go see a marriage counselor to learn how to communicate. Don't bicker about meaningless texts usually interpreted out of context. Resist the urge to look. You'll be happier and your relationship will be able to have the chance it deserves.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>4. Trusting your cell phone to keep a secret.</b><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">"He told me that he blocked her! He told me he would never communicate with her again. But once again we're out to dinner and she's texting him. And he texted her right back. I'm tired of his excuses. I know for sure now that I can't trust him."</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">It is virtually impossible to lie these days. Still, many people feel that they can get away with it. And then they inevitably get caught, create mistrust, and trigger feelings of pain, anger and betrayal.</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">In the past, many of us were told that telling a fib keeps the peace. So we 'worked late' when we were really at the bar. We bought dresses on 'sale' when we really paid full price. We told 'white lies' and generally got away with them.</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">These days our phones give us away. GPS devices make us easy to track. Emails offer all kinds of receipts and hints of our whereabouts. We keep personal notes, recorded messages and automatic reminders that offer a great deal of information. We might as well be honest. Our electronic world offers no other choice!</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>5.</b> <b>Communicating secretly with an ex.</b></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">"I was shocked by the butterflies in my stomach when Bobby found me on Instagram! I didn't see the harm in communicating with an ex since he lives out of state. What I didn't figure on were my deep emotions. I'm feeling confused now. I find myself feeling more connected to him than my own husband!"</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">In a not so distant past, couples shared a home line. The phone would ring and somebody would answer it. The caller would identify themselves and leave a message with whomever picked up. Since the phone would be centrally located, everyone in the house would hear one side of the conversation. There was very little privacy and it worked out fine.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">These days the smart phone individualizes communication. We have maximum privacy. Texting and social media provides a quiet way to converse. No one can hear what we have to say. Many couples are taking advantage of their new found freedom. And that liberty is causing problems!</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">It's human nature to reminisce about the past. It's easy to glorify our old boyfriends and girlfriends decades after the fact. We used to keep these thoughts to ourselves. Now<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>there's an easy way to act on our daydreams. And while it's OK to<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>contact friends, it's not OK to contact or encourage communication with former lovers. It never ends well.</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Bobby didn't know that his ex girlfriend's husband of 13 years had lost his job 16 months prior. Or that they were having major financial and personal problems. Problems that didn't get posted. As a result, she was feeling vulnerable and latched on to Jim. And Jim himself was married with kids. It didn't take long before a big mess developed.</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Take pause before contacting an ex. If you are the recipient of the contact, tell your current partner right away. Committed relationships were not designed to be secretive!</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">In Summary</span></b></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Smart<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>phones are designed to make our lives easier and more organized, but<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>it's up to you to use their undeniable power for good. Not deception. Enjoy all they have to offer, but be aware of the effects they could be having on your relationship. Always be mindful of who and how you communicate with others.</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); background-color: #fffbfb; color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">If you think you need to skulk around in the shadows of your phone, re-think your behavior. And if you think you need to be a detective check into your own feelings about trust.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p></div><div><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #333232; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: 700; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div data-hook="rcv-block61" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 400; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="paragraph"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-3sqru" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block62" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 400; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><p class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-b8g5i" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">This article was written for and appears on <a class="_3Bkfb _1lsz7" data-hook="linkViewer" href="https://ravishly.com/2015/04/09/not-so-smart-after-all-five-mistakes-couples-make-their-phones" rel="noopener noreferrer noopener" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; font-style: var(--ricos-custom-link-font-style,unset); font-weight: var(--ricos-custom-link-font-weight,unset); line-height: var(--ricos-custom-link-line-height,unset); margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-link-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank"><u class="_3zM-5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Ravishly</u></a>.</span></span></span></p><div data-hook="rcv-block63" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 400; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="paragraph"></div><div class="_2vd5k iG0hRj" id="viewer-ik7p" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 400; margin: 15px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a class="_3mt3E _17-_F MecilX MecilX _1GSK2" href="https://ravishly.com/2015/04/09/not-so-smart-after-all-five-mistakes-couples-make-their-phones" rel="noopener noreferrer noopener" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; float: left; margin: 0px 40px 0px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline; width: fit-content; z-index: 1;" target="_blank"><div class="_2kEVY" data-hook="imageViewer" role="button" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: var(--ricos-custom-p-color,unset); font-style: var(--ricos-custom-p-font-style,unset); font-weight: var(--ricos-custom-p-font-weight,unset); line-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-line-height,unset); margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: var(--ricos-custom-p-text-decoration,unset); vertical-align: baseline;" tabindex="0"><div class="_3WJnn _2i-Gt _2Ybje" id="new-image4315" style="--dim-height: 56; --dim-width: 200; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); aspect-ratio: var(--dim-width)/var(--dim-height); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 200px;"><wow-image class="gXpdtc " data-bg-effect-name="" data-has-ssr-src="" data-image-info="{"containerId":"new-image4315","displayMode":"fill","isLQIP":false,"isSEOBot":false,"lqipTransition":"blur","imageData":{"width":200,"height":56,"uri":"https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_200,h_56,al_c,q_5/file.png","name":"","displayMode":"fill"}}" data-src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_200,h_56,al_c,q_5/file.png" id="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_200,h_56,al_c,q_5/file.png" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit; display: block; height: 56px; width: 200px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><img alt="" data-pin-media="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_200,h_56,al_c,q_5/file.png" data-pin-url="https://www.therapywithcare.com/post/not-so-smart-after-all-5-mistakes-couples-make-with-their-phones" src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98d8f7_4fa69348ff734ab4b23b6dcadff52984~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_200,h_56,al_c,q_5/file.png" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; height: 56px; margin: 0px; object-fit: cover; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 200px;" /></span></wow-image></div></div></a></div><div data-hook="rcv-block64" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 400; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="image"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-2154j" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block65" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 400; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-2h7a8" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block66" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 400; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-6040p" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block67" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 400; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-4ickh" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br role="presentation" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block68" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 400; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="empty-line"></div><p class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-ah5mj" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="_2PHJq public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; display: block; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">© 2015 Jackie A Castro, MA, LMFT</span></span></span></p><div><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: var(--ricos-custom-p-background-color,unset); background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></span></div><p></p><div data-hook="rcv-block69" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: helvetica-w01-light, helvetica-w02-light, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-weight: 400; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" type="paragraph"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-f352g" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; direction: ltr; font-family: helvetica-w01-light, helvetica-w02-light, sans-serif; font-size: var(--ricos-custom-p-font-size,unset); font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"></div></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block1" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #333232; font-family: helvetica-w01-light, helvetica-w02-light, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" type="paragraph"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-ak5cu" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #333232; direction: ltr; font-family: helvetica-w01-light, helvetica-w02-light, sans-serif; font-size: var(--ricos-custom-p-font-size,unset); line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-13231000905925412372015-03-10T20:12:00.013-07:002023-04-26T20:21:52.089-07:005 Myths Of Sexual Addiction<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><i>A sex therapist dispels some damning myths.</i></b><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtrPhlo_pmQCMnFRdOKouUtFVPTSVbFBTYFnxdsmgdDrnWVGazKj-YC_-SGhAEZ7Nqo9l2yEY_Si4QmjC65G5rW2OPg8fXutPwxl4BXNXzkC_91Ia7JAA6WzV9PymSKMqKGeMrWGv5latU4IIlRK4Hi5VI3p8nMXyC4kGTU2mXrp96WIRTkNVv1numWw/s548/Bag%20of%20Trouble.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="548" data-original-width="459" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtrPhlo_pmQCMnFRdOKouUtFVPTSVbFBTYFnxdsmgdDrnWVGazKj-YC_-SGhAEZ7Nqo9l2yEY_Si4QmjC65G5rW2OPg8fXutPwxl4BXNXzkC_91Ia7JAA6WzV9PymSKMqKGeMrWGv5latU4IIlRK4Hi5VI3p8nMXyC4kGTU2mXrp96WIRTkNVv1numWw/s320/Bag%20of%20Trouble.jpg" width="268" /></a></div><span style="background-color: #fffbfb;">The term sexual addiction is used frequently and often incorrectly. It's important to understand that being diagnosed with any kind of addiction is serious business and warrants major behavioral changes. Before you sentence a loved one to a lifetime of abstinence, 12-step programs, and costly rehabs, take a realistic look at the causation of sexual</span><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><span style="background-color: #fffbfb;">behavior. While there is validity to the diagnosis of sexual addiction, be mindful of the need to take all factors into consideration before making a final diagnosis.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Here are some common myths regarding sex addiction that should be dispelled. ASAP.</span><br /><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Myth #1: Chronic masturbators are sex addicts.</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Everyone has a love/hate relationship with masturbation. It's undeniably an enjoyable activity but it can be accompanied—both consciously and not—by deep-set feelings of shame. By the tender age of 2 or 3, toddlers naturally discover their genital region and the ensuing pleasure. Unfortunately, that joy is often swiftly smacked away by frightened, sex-phobic parents. And as a result, those folks get an all-too-clear message about themselves and their bodies. Many of us have learned to repress, become secretive, and feel shame.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Even the most enlightened and educated adults are misinformed about masturbation. Many people believe that masturbation has no place within the context of a marital relationship, for example. Getting married means that there is—arguably—an unlimited supply of sex. Often<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>this equates to thoughts along the lines of: "Once that wedding band<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>hits my finger, I shouldn't masturbate and neither should my partner." Ironically, these partners trigger the opposite behavior through their negativity. Because<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>their complaints trigger feelings of self-doubt and shame, their<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>masturbating partners will often masturbate even more because they feel<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>bad about themselves. A viscous cycle then begins. Since masturbation provides momentary feelings of relief, there's more yanking and less screwing. Excuse my French.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">There is no definitive answer as to how much or how little one should be masturbating. Generally speaking, masturbation will not impinge on a relationship. In fact, it's just the opposite. Masturbation is strictly about release, while sexual intercourse is about getting close. Couples who have "no masturbation" policies often times use each other like a masturbation machine.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Is "a quickie" really that much more honorable than squeezing one off in the shower? Both acts provide the same result. It's all in how you perceive it.</span><br /><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Myth #2: Pornography-watchers are sex addicts.</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Pornography has been in our society for thousands of years. Why? Because everyone is curious. Sex is a very private activity and universally difficult to talk about. Pornography gives us the opportunity to watch others at play. Observation is educational. It offers a peek into the world of human sexuality. Adult material is very helpful for those who want to learn technique and get new ideas. It's helpful for men, women, and couples who want to expand their sexual horizons.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Pornography is especially helpful for people who have sexual tastes outside of "the norm." It's validating to find out that we aren't alone. Pornography literally saves lives because people who have unusual sexual fantasies feel incredibly guilty and ashamed. It helps to know that others have a taste for similar acts. It's also enjoyable to see fantasies captured on screen by other consenting adults.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">For those who advocate the concept that smut can create sex addiction, pornography is seen as "the gateway drug." It's the marijuana of drug addiction. Counselors, twelve-steppers, and religious zealots all have a rigid belief about the "evils" of porn. They believe that there's nothing good or redemptive about porn. They believe pornography provides an unrealistic portrayal of sexual activity and threatens marriages.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">In truth, everything in life needs to be moderated. Too much of anything can be problematic. But viewing adult images for the purpose of relaxation, arousal, and education is just fine. We<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>need to be very careful about using that all-encompassing term "sex<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>addiction" when describing someone who simply enjoys going online and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>watching a limited amount of porn.</span><br /><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Myth #3: Oglers are sex addicts.</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Most of us have an idea that once we are married, our partners should only be interested in us. That means they should not look, talk, or engage with anyone of the opposite sex. If we notice them doing it too much, we can now assume they have a problem. And maybe that problem is sex addiction...</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">As sexual beings, it's in our nature to notice beauty in the world. We'd never be concerned about anyone commenting on the beauty of nature. "What a gorgeous flower." "How pretty the sky looks." Yet if he says "OMG did you see that ass?" all of a sudden we're bent out of shape.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Please consider this: We have to let our partners <i>look</i> without badgering. If you really want to be extra cool, you can look together. That way there are no secrets. That way no one feels censored.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">The fact is, looking has never hurt anyone. If you are of the belief that it's rude for him to look or comment when he's with you, consider this: He's commenting because he doesn't feel<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the need to be secretive. He looks with or without you, so it's better to be upfront about it. Remember, no real contact is being made and your relationship is not being compromised. I say let him look. Remain rational and remember to look at the facts.</span><br /><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Myth #4: Cheaters are sex addicts.</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Think of the idea of sexual contact outside a relationship as being on a spectrum. On one end, there are casual indiscretions like online chats and meaningless phone sex. Middle of the spectrum would be things like one-night stands. On the far end are connections with old flames on Facebook and full-blown affairs in the traditional sense of the word. Yet, many couples never make a distinction. They think that any kind of contact outside the marriage is catastrophic and the cheater is labeled as an addict. But not everyone who cheats is a sex addict. Sometimes they're just what you think: an inconsiderate, dishonest ______ (you fill it in).</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Each case of straying has to be considered on its own merit. Is a lap dance the same as a one-night stand? Is a flirtatious text as damaging as a dinner date? Is a one-time kiss the same as repeated trysts in a hotel room? While<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>most monogamous couples do not tolerate any physical contact with<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>members of the opposite sex, there are indiscretions and then there are<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>deal breakers. Facts need to be considered before labeling the behavior as sex addiction.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Cheating is, more often than not, the result of deep-seated pain that's been festering for years. Going outside the marriage is the symptom, rather than the cause, of relationship discord.</span><br /><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Myth #5: Fetishists are sex addicts.</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">A sexual fetish means that one sexualizes objects, acts, and fantasies that are outside the norm. The fetish can involve the use of nonliving objects such as stiletto heels, leather, or furry materials. Fetish can also be about ritualistic behaviors that include diapering, cross-dressing, or costuming.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Sexual fetishes are powerful and never go away; they are formed very early in life. Current research supports the fact that there is a genetic predisposition toward fetish. This goes hand in hand with the idea that people are born gay, lesbian, or transgender. When it comes to fetish, the genetic predilection is triggered by environmental stimuli.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Unfortunately most people in the therapeutic community do not understand the difference between fetish and sexual addiction. They advocate the concept of absolution: thought-stopping, blocking websites, and never engaging in the fetishistic behavior. In other words, they treat the fetish in the same way they treat a sexual addiction. However, a sexual fetish is not interchangeable with disordered sexual behaviors.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">In fact, a fetish in and of itself has absolutely nothing to do with sexual addiction.</span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">No one chooses to have a sexual fetish. Most people I have worked with would gladly swallow a pill that would quickly erase their fetish. Unfortunately that pill doesn't exist and there's no treatment available that will erase a deep-seated sexual fetish. Just like no one can "turn" a gay person straight, no one can make a fetish go away. People can buy into a program that promises those kinds of results. But then again, people also buy snake oil and ridiculous exercise devices.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">We are who we are and we need to find self acceptance.</span><br /><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">This article was written for and appears on <a href="https://ravishly.com/2015/03/10/5-myths-sexual-addiction"><span class="s4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 233); color: #0000e9; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: none; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal;">Ravishly</span></a>.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRtbZb--cd-a39H2Aaj7lNY2VbPafU1cLBiNrapK_9IHbrBbH-GL0dY5t5PnCc3AHIobW-muy3A63HuN2o0ioZnUvAzMeTyROjW-Bzexw895vWI7fGEE0SXAu2sXw6bMbSMFG_xaO8dJsNW3jNE7Z_UUYgySxK-4tprr3DNhLzYMznmRmVdhufseSxvg/s200/Ravishly%20Logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="56" data-original-width="200" height="56" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRtbZb--cd-a39H2Aaj7lNY2VbPafU1cLBiNrapK_9IHbrBbH-GL0dY5t5PnCc3AHIobW-muy3A63HuN2o0ioZnUvAzMeTyROjW-Bzexw895vWI7fGEE0SXAu2sXw6bMbSMFG_xaO8dJsNW3jNE7Z_UUYgySxK-4tprr3DNhLzYMznmRmVdhufseSxvg/s1600/Ravishly%20Logo.png" width="200" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">© 2015 Jackie A Castro, MA, LMFT</span></span></div><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></p>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-30396977513680415872009-03-09T14:00:00.000-07:002023-04-26T20:11:00.267-07:00Economic Recession Leading To Depression: How To Deal With the Emotional Pitfalls<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;">Job Loss - Homes in Foreclosure - World Economic Crisis</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4-sdXn5PwEYAywbEOwTAxqkr0MODEjk-_Zur4GPIfN-G5O7eKbVKPFF1Efrr6BJ4h_YqTnctK0KQ44dvujM_j0aHlO2sGsFc1TxxeplWBGTaEN1Y5Dk7_su4sJqbDv6gmPjg_FoHnse9XDYhvqMn3ldEDUWftOO9-fZmVmbwcHUud7MPagLNYYTifPQ/s594/Bank%20Owned%20For.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="396" data-original-width="594" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4-sdXn5PwEYAywbEOwTAxqkr0MODEjk-_Zur4GPIfN-G5O7eKbVKPFF1Efrr6BJ4h_YqTnctK0KQ44dvujM_j0aHlO2sGsFc1TxxeplWBGTaEN1Y5Dk7_su4sJqbDv6gmPjg_FoHnse9XDYhvqMn3ldEDUWftOO9-fZmVmbwcHUud7MPagLNYYTifPQ/s320/Bank%20Owned%20For.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Each day we wake up to headlines of gloom and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>doom. We are keenly aware of the Dow Jones Industrial Average even if we<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>don't own a single share of stock. Suddenly, our general anxiety level<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>is rising to astoundingly high figures.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">We find ourselves in a constant state of<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>nervousness, worry and a sense of instability. Some of us are right in<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the middle of the worst of the times. We have lost our jobs, businesses<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>or homes. Others of us see a decline in our income, and notice the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>downward spiral.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Collective Unconscious</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Carl Jung talked about society having a state of collective<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>unconscious. That means that we as a community experience similar hopes,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>dreams and fears. When September 11 struck, we as a nation felt a<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>unified feeling of deep grief, disbelief and terror. Today our world is<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>filled with another kind of collective feeling.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">No one can escape the fact that we are<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>living in uncertain, shaky, chaotic times. Though we collectively<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>breathed a sigh of relief on Inauguration Day, reality has now set in.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>No one person or new administration can change the entire state of the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>world. We live in an age of grave uncertainty that leads to real<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>feelings of anxiety and a valid need to change our way of living.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">How To Deal With Your Anxiety</span></b></span><br /><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">You may have suffered some kind of real loss. Or, you may be<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>anticipating the possibility. Here are some simple ways to deal with<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>anxiety and worry:</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Stay in the Moment</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Be grateful for what you have this instant. Human beings<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>have a need for food and shelter in order to survive. Those are our<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>only true needs. Anything else is a want. Yes, we want to feel<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>comfortable, pay our bills, have material goods and services but none of<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>those are true necessities. They are wants.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Be grateful for any extras. Right now<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>we are sitting inside, have the ability to read, comprehend, eat and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>sleep. Right now we are breathing and healthy. We often forget to<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>acknowledge the things we have right now. Get in touch with your ability<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>to be grateful.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Change Your Thinking</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Be aware of the way that you thinking. Your thinking<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>truly affects the way that you feel. When you think about the injustice<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>of your loss, the 'mistakes' you made or the institutions or people who<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>let you down, you are guaranteed to feel angry, ashamed or resentful.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>These feelings lead to despair and anguish. They are not helpful. Right<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>now you want to feel better. Anger, shame, and resentment will not help<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>you achieve your goal.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Many of us have a life long habit of<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>feeling anxious, worried and angry. That's because we internalized<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>negative messages from parents, teachers and caretakers. We've taken<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>these voices and made them our own. In order to cope and achieve your<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>goal to feel better, you need to find a new voice.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Imagine that you are your own parent.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Not the parent you were necessarily born with but the archetype of the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>perfect parent. This is the 'perfect parent' who loves you<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>unconditionally, allows you to make mistakes without shame and offers<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>helpful, positive support.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Parent Yourself</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Each of us needs to learn how to be our own perfect<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>parent. We need to learn how to defend against the intrusive voices that<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>tell us we are hopeless, incompetent and incapable. In this tough<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>economy those voice are particularly toxic. They are present to validate<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>every bad feeling we've ever had about ourselves. They serve to make us<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>feel even worse about the losses we have or may sustain in the future.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">The real truth is that it's not your<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>fault. You did the best that you could. Sometimes things happen that are<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>beyond our control. Sure, we can always second guess ourselves or<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>imagine doing things differently. Learn to speak back in a caring,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>nurturing, reassuring manner. Speak the way you would to anybody else you love.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">How would you talk to a child whose<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>brand, new bicycle got stolen, broken or destroyed in a fire? Would you<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>scold or berate that little person? Of course not. You'd acknowledge the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>hurt the child is experiencing. You'd allow the child to cry and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>express his sadness, frustration or anger. Ultimately, you'd be soothing<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>and tell the child, "It's going to be OK". Later, you might explore<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>other options. Perhaps there's some other type of bike or activity that<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the child would want to explore. It's never about replacing the loss<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>before feelings are acknowledged. Moving occurs only after the loss has<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>been thoroughly affirmed.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Develop A Kinder Voice</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Learn to talk to yourself in the same soothing way<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>you'd talk to someone you love.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Speak to yourself kindly and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>respectfully. Do not call yourself names. You are not stupid, ugly or<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>cowardly. In other words, if your mortgage payments are now too high you<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>are not incapable, you were uninformed at the time.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Do not shame or berate yourself. Think<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>about what you learned and how you can do it differently next time.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Always remember that as humans, we make mistakes. We are never simply a<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>mistake.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Do Not Minimize</span></b><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Your loss experience is real. It's OK to feel sad and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>mourn all the things that could have been better, different or more.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>It's also OK to talk about what happened. Choose those who know how to<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>listen without offering advice. Friends and family may suffice though<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>they are often lost in their personal struggles. Choose someone who can<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>listen objectively and focus in on you.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Right now it's important to be heard. Your feelings are valid and need to be expressed. While it's always true<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>that 'it could be worse' your situation has to be acknowledged. No<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>matter how big or how small, this is your loss. It happened to you.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Take Action</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Express your pain but allow yourself to move beyond<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the pain of the loss. Figure out a plan of action. Work with what you<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>have. Imagine you have to cook a meal with only the foods in your fridge<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>and cans in your cupboard. Chances are good that you'd be able to put<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>something together that was both edible and satisfying. It may not be<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>exactly what you crave at the moment but the meal would nutritionally<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>offer the sustenance you need to survive. So it is with your situation.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Plan Each Day</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Changes in routine can feel very overwhelming. Make<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>lists so you know what to do each day. Enter enough things on the list<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>to keep yourself busy. Don't make your list too large. That will be<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>frustrating. You want to feel a sense of accomplishment.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">When You Need More</span></b></span><br /><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">It's OK to seek out the help of a mental health<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>professional. The cost is not as great as you might imagine. Therapists<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>are generally flexible and want to be helpful. Find someone who is<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>empathetic but also directive in helping you achieve your goals. Your<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>mental health is crucial right now. You absolutely need to be clear<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>thinking in order to make and adjust to real changes in your life.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">In Summary</span></b></span><br /><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">We are currently living in challenging times. Heartbreaking<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>events have occurred to us and people we love. Right now it's especially<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>important to attend to our own mental well-being. We don't want to<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>compound the loss of material things with loss of our relationships,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>friends and peace of mind.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Collectively we are all experiencing this<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>time together. We are keenly aware of the pain of our fellow man. It's a<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>time when it's OK to reach out and acknowledge we need help.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Most important of all, be gentle with<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>yourself. Develop the healthy part of your persona that is capable,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>reassuring and kind. Stick up for yourself and remember that you have<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the capacity to achieve your goals. Acknowledge the good that is present<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>in this very moment.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">© 2009 Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></div>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-11752308637483196632008-09-02T17:00:00.001-07:002023-04-26T19:57:02.412-07:00Emotional Cheating - The Real Betrayal of Trust<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">He has a 'buddy' at work who turns out to be a hot blonde. They go to lunch everyday and out to drinks at<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>night. He's never touched her but he often confides to her about his<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>long term goals, conflicts and family life. One day you pop into his<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>office and she seems to know all about you but you were only vaguely aware of her. Is he cheating?</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">He signs up for a website designed for singles. He has a fake name and phony description. He corresponds regularly with<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>some of the women on line. The talk is non-sexual but he has developed<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>some 'relationships'. You discover his membership by accident.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Is he cheating?</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiooKys1d3zWRFSy58g8QswFHswVRJywY2EkuQzxeQWmlYoTqR6t5rkNDatxHyUIPd5hjrhUMZM5ulo5vjATzqSc8oyv0aGMvLbAVGHYUuRxUDWKT5aBZO6jxf9v5r-jDhdvEJ1_0302wdEZNmJtq5hW1SEVQH6US1_kZzf44Tj_pomsbm2FWgiqwHMbA/s197/Heart%20Blog.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="197" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiooKys1d3zWRFSy58g8QswFHswVRJywY2EkuQzxeQWmlYoTqR6t5rkNDatxHyUIPd5hjrhUMZM5ulo5vjATzqSc8oyv0aGMvLbAVGHYUuRxUDWKT5aBZO6jxf9v5r-jDhdvEJ1_0302wdEZNmJtq5hW1SEVQH6US1_kZzf44Tj_pomsbm2FWgiqwHMbA/s1600/Heart%20Blog.gif" width="197" /></a></div><br /><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">An<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>ex-girlfriend from college contacts him on Facebook. They begin an email<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>relationship and they text each other often during the day. He has<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>plans to meet her for coffee without telling you. Is he cheating?</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">All the above men<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>are married with children for several years. The husband has been<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>having extracurricular activities first developed in secret. Sometimes the wives find out by accident; other times the husband reluctantly discloses under duress. When the idea of 'other women' comes out into<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the open and the couple finally talks, each gets the same answer. "We're<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>just friends. I'm not cheating on you."</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Yet, these men are going outside the marriage in a way that is far more detrimental than having a one night stand. Why? Because they are forming close relationships with someone<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>other than you. If you are like the many women who come to me with similar issues, you need to be aware that your marriage could be in danger.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">What is Cheating?</span></b></span><br /><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Conventional infidelity is called adultery. The definition of adultery according to Webster's Dictionary is simply "unfaithfulness to the marriage bed". Google definitions characterize adultery as "extramarital sex that willfully and maliciously interferes with<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>marriage relations." In both cases, some kind of sexual activity is needed to claim adultery.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">While the cases I cited, and other indiscretions that evoke rage from my female clients do not necessarily<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>have to do with sex, all carry strong hints of secrets, betrayals and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>sexual tension between male and female. Emotional cheating is not about<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the act of sex but it is about becoming intimate with a member of the opposite sex. The men focus their energy, attention and daydreams towards someone other than you. You begin to feel deceived, unattended<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>and discounted. While you are concerned about the possibility of sex, it's the friendship that he's developing with 'her' that leaves you feeling hurt the most:</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Why is he talking to her when he should be talking to me?</span></i></span><br /><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Why is he focusing thoughts on her when he should be thinking of me and the kids?</span></i></span><br /><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;">What does she have that I don't?</span></i></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">The Excuses</span></b></span><br /><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">He'll tell you that these are 'harmless' flirtations. He'll say that he and the other woman are 'just friends or buddies'. Don't buy into that answer. While sometimes men and women can be 'friends', a<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>friendship that is developed without your knowledge is concerning.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">He'll say that he didn't tell you because he<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>didn't want to 'get you upset'. 'You would get the wrong idea'. Don't buy into that excuse. You actually got the right idea. Deep down he<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>feels guilty. He knows his behavior is out of line. Secrets are never okay in a committed relationship.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Some guys like to know that they are still desirable and that they 'still have what it takes'. He'll say these relationships are diversions. He'll profess his devotion to you. He'll say that he just enjoys the company other women. He may even say it's<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>good for him to talk about you in order to get a female 'perspective'. The excuses go on and on.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">At the end of the day, you're correct. Your feelings of fear, anger and hurt are normal and natural. Your husband is engaging in inappropriate behavior and he's been holding a secret. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Married guys who form emotional relationships are acting<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>inappropriately. A dangerous precedent is being set in your marriage. This time it may be with a woman that is no threat. But next time it may be a woman who really does want your man.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">What Can You Do?</span></b></span><br /><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">First, you need to take inventory of yourself. That means<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>taking some responsibility for<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the root cause of his desire for other<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>women. Is there truly something that he gets from them that he's not<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>getting from you? Men thrive on appreciation and attention. I understand that you're busy with work, raising a family and keeping up<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>with a myriad of household chores. Still, when he walks in the door, do you remember to greet him with a smile? Are you actively listening and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>participating in his life? Are you giving him the same kind of love and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>attention that you bestowed on him when you first got together?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">In today's world, women definitely have some<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>real challenges when it comes to balancing their roles as wife, mother<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>and head of household. Yet, men require a certain amount of attention.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>In a perfect world, he understands. In today's world he goes online and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>joins Facebook, emails and interacts with many other females all day<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>long. This does not excuse the emotional ties he forms with other women but it does explain the dilemma. In every relationship, each partner<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>needs to take some responsibility when things go awry.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">If you are one hundred percent honest, I bet you'll find some room for improvement in your behavior. Don't beat yourself up. I understand. Your life is busy and even overwhelming. Who<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>has the time to comb your hair when you have a 2 year old who's wetting<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>his pants and poking his 6 month old<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>sister all at the same moment? Who has the time to cook a real meal when you have a deadline and have to stay late at the office. Still, your man is the core of your family. Take your feelings of rage and direct them towards making some change.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Anger is a driving force so put that energy to use!</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Oftentimes a little adjustment, will go a long way. Put your anger aside and make some minor adjustments. Dress up in something he likes, cook his favorite meal and give him some quality<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>attention. You just might see a change quicker than you anticipate.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Sometimes it may also come down to the fact that you did not choose wisely. Many men do not have good impulse control. While I believe it's in the nature of the male species to be<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>multiply attracted to many females, a married man understands the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>commitment he made when he made his vows. If he does not respond to your<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>change, he may need some intervention to teach him basic management<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>skills. Boundary setting is a good place to start.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Setting Boundaries</span></b></span><br /><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Recently I was counseling a newly wed couple. They were exceptionally good looking, intelligent and both had high powered<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>careers which put them in the middle of Hollywood's A List. This couple<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>wasn't married for more than three months when they stepped into my office.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>One of the major issues was how to handle former lovers who didn't respect their new marital status. Both were besieged by texts, emails and Facebook messages from former lovers who wanted to 'stay in touch'. He was not happy about his wife corresponding with an ex boyfriend. She<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>was not thrilled that he was talking to women without her knowledge.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>When she found out about his online correspondences she became extremely angry and felt very betrayed.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Marriage counseling opened up the lines of communication. This couple lived such a high powered lifestyle that they didn't even have the skills to talk intimately with each other. A few<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>sessions with me really helped them learn how to speak directly to each<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>other. Correct communication means that they learned how to listen and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>make sure each interpreted the others statement accurately. Next we<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>brainstormed ways that they could combat the intrusion of the 'ex's'<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>together as a team. That meant no holding of secrets, sharing the emails<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>and collectively coming up with a strategy that worked. Realistically, some of the people were also business contacts so each communication had to be handled on a case by case basis. The most important aspect of the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>counseling was getting the couple to unite and share.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">More established couples need to figure out how they feel about friendships and relationships with the opposite sex. As a general rule of thumb, secrets can not be tolerated. No matter how much it might hurt to know that your husband wants to befriend someone<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>else or spend time with a coworker, you have got to listen to him like an adult and not a pouty child. Men are direct problem solvers. They don't handle your emotions as well as they can respond to a concrete set<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>of rules.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">One couple and I came to the agreement that neither party would talk to a member of the opposite sex unless the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>other was present. If there was a female friend, both would befriend her<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>and both would go out to dinner with her. Other couples may decide that lunches with female coworkers are OK as long as the lunch is held<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>within a group setting. In other words, it's a bunch of people going to<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the restaurant.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Boundary setting is something that the two<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>of you need to get behind. You need to think of every possible situation that has all ready happened as well as situations that may occur. Set a game plan of how you will handle every encounter that may happen. This includes flirtatious behavior from members of the opposite sex, contacts from past lovers on-line, sexually aggressive co-workers, chance<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>encounters, etc. It's like drilling for an earthquake or hurricane. We hope that it doesn't happen but it's best to be prepared.</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">What About 'The Nature of the Male Sexual Beast'?</span></b></span><br /><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I understand that men are different than us. Their sexual<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>appetite is something that we women don't get. Most of us are 'one women men' as long as we are cared for, loved and protected. In general, most women in committed relationships don't get the itch to look or<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>fantasize like the guys. Emotional cheating is far different than looking at a 'girly magazine' or checking out some adult websites. There's no possibility of having a true relationship with a photographic<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>image. Emotional cheating has potential to destroy a marriage. The<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>occasional glance at another woman is natural to the male species. Having an emotional relationship outside the marriage is not.</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">© 2009 Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT</span></span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="s3" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></div><div data-hook="rcv-block1" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #333232; font-family: helvetica-w01-light, helvetica-w02-light, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" type="paragraph"></div><div class="mm8Nw _1j-51 WkT0MK _1FoOD _3M0Fe T3Ond1 WkT0MK public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 fixed-tab-size public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr" id="viewer-300p3" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: rgb(255, 252, 252); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #333232; font-family: helvetica-w01-light, helvetica-w02-light, sans-serif; font-size: var(--ricos-custom-p-font-size,unset); line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; min-height: var(--ricos-custom-p-min-height,unset); outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-89488156753987879642008-02-25T19:11:00.024-08:002023-04-26T19:35:57.536-07:00You'll Never Guess What Turns Me On: Understanding Your Sexual Fetish<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Like many men, Bob's favorite part of the Miss America Pageant is the swimsuit competition. Unlike other men, he's not checking out what's on top. Instead Bob is intently focused on the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>contestant's stiletto heels. Bob is a heterosexual man with a foot fetish.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Susan is in her 40's and married to the same man for 16 years. To date, she has never told her husband that at the moment of orgasm she imagines herself as a schoolgirl being spanked over her teacher's knee. Susan is a heterosexual female with a fetish for spanking.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Jim goes to the lingerie shop and sifts through the panties. He holds up a pair of pink panties marked extra large. Jim's wife wears size small and Jim is not having an affair. The panties are for Jim. Jim is a heterosexual man who enjoys wearing women's lingerie.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjxN-gqPQClT2kSjqz6LKzfPw7VOZ-MyQslcmXZOrfNqoHRXFG4ukLeKkH0mgY_eepWRXqQKxYtWoqGrv1ra-Z6m4vmJ16VIM5UpLQgW7g5cYZMJjWEtdGJAfk9KY0MM6xqOaDSDqBaVskPhdUYheQl-LnK-ag6FpUGq-5czYnnZXDUA7JHsUuWKAIOA/s691/Fetish%20Blog%20Shot.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><img border="0" data-original-height="691" data-original-width="491" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjxN-gqPQClT2kSjqz6LKzfPw7VOZ-MyQslcmXZOrfNqoHRXFG4ukLeKkH0mgY_eepWRXqQKxYtWoqGrv1ra-Z6m4vmJ16VIM5UpLQgW7g5cYZMJjWEtdGJAfk9KY0MM6xqOaDSDqBaVskPhdUYheQl-LnK-ag6FpUGq-5czYnnZXDUA7JHsUuWKAIOA/s320/Fetish%20Blog%20Shot.jpg" width="227" /></span></a></div><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">In her excitement, Karen almost forgot to pack the essential rubber bathing caps. She and her husband Bill are not headed to the beach. Instead, they are going to a small gathering of<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>people who enjoy wearing rubber. The feel, touch and scent of rubber are erotic for Bill and Karen. This heterosexual couple has a fetish for latex and rubber.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">When it comes to sexuality, most of us were not<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>brought up with many options. Men are supposed to be attracted to women and women attracted to men. Kissing, touching and intercourse are acceptable forms of sexual expression between a man and a woman.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Until recently homosexuals were considered outcasts and persecuted. Happily, our society is becoming more and more accepting of homosexuality. But what about those of us who are 'straight' with sexual proclivities out of the norm? What about people<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>like Bob, Susan, Jim, Bill and Karen? How do they deal with feeling sexually different? How can they function and feel good about themselves in our close-minded society?</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;"><b>What Is a Sexual Fetish?</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Sexual fetish describes people who are aroused by unusual parts of the body, activities, or objects that are generally not associated with conventional sex. The fetish is strong and is deep seated in the subconscious mind. People can have sex without actually participating in the fetish activity. However, 99% of people with a fetish are like Susan. They cannot have an orgasm unless they think about the fetish at the moment of explosion.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">There are all kinds of sexual fetishes. Sexuality is something that is as unique as each individual. Some people fixate on parts of the body: shoes, feet, legs, bottoms, hair or<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>armpits. Others enjoy acting out certain kinds of scenarios including Dominant/submissive role-playing, spanking, bondage, cross-dressing and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>trampling. Still others find certain articles of clothing or fabric stimulating such as leather, latex, rubber and even angora sweaters. The acts and scenarios attached to these fetishes are many and variable.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;"><b>People With Fetishes Are Ashamed</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">It's no wonder. Our society labels anything sexually different as deviant or perverted. These labels hurt deeply to those whose sexual make-up is out of the norm. Fetishists feel weird, ashamed and guilty for their desires. While the fetish provides pleasure and relief, all these people have feelings of shame about being sexually different.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Fetishists are afraid of sharing their secret with a lover. They fear rejection, ridicule or abandonment. Unfortunately their fears are not unfounded. Oftentimes, people who disclose to their wives or husbands wish they hadn't. Their partners react with shock or embarrassment promoting even more feels of shame and regret.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">The general public is uneducated about<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>sexuality out of the norm. Most people (even in this day and age) resort to perfunctory sex. We are not schooled in the joys of playing and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>acting out fantasies. Fetishes often require special costuming, effects, verbiage and creativity. We are not trained to indulge in sexual<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>desires. We just don't understand.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">People with a fetish generally think they are the only one. It's a secret that they carry to the grave or possibly a paid professional (prostitute or Dominatrix). Sexual fetish is a<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>misunderstood confusing topic. Why can't my partner or I just enjoy and experience sex in the moment? Is it abnormal to have strong sexual feelings or thoughts, which I can't control? Is there a 'cure' for<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>fetish? Is it OK to act on the fetish?</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;"><b>Where Does The Fetish Come From?</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">There's no definitive answer as to why someone is or isn't precluded to having a fetish. Most remember having some kind of early childhood memory connected to the fetish.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Fear, excitement, curiosity, pleasure are powerful emotions that are felt in the body. The body remembers the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>charge physiologically and for some of us those moments become<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>eroticized on a subconscious level. Even scary childhood moments. We<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>protected ourselves by sexualizing the powerful feelings. Generally the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>feelings lay dormant until we become sexually active. Then out of<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>nowhere, we connect our original moment of excitement and experience to a<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>powerful erotic charge. This feeling is so strong that our sexuality is<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>linked to that early sexual/excitement/fear moment.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">For example, someone who likes spanking might have heard someone else get a spanked or they were spanked themselves. While the event wasn't necessarily enjoyable at the time, it<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>made great impact. It was charged moment that later became sexualized. How does that happen? Spanking is done behind closed doors, undergarments are taken down and there is a certain degree of intimacy about the act. Hence, powerful emotions are evoked.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">These powerful emotions linked to the fetish are stored in the subconscious mind. They are connected to a part of our brain that produces sexual stimulation. When puberty strikes these thoughts and feelings may re-emerge. Before we realize what's happening<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>we are associating our childhood fear/excitement to adult sexual feelings.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;"><b>Do You Have A Sexual Fetish?</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Chances are good that if you were attracted to this article you have a sexual fetish or a penchant for sexuality out of the norm. You may or may not have told anyone or acted upon it. Perhaps you have see professional women who specialize in exotic forms of adult<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>entertainment. The visits to these adult workers are satisfying in the moment but ultimately leave you feeling alone and ashamed.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">You may have shared your secret desire with your significant other only to be shunned and rejected. People who have sexual fetishes are often left feeling very alone. It's just not<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>something we feel comfortable bringing up with a friend over lunch. It's<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>even hard to tell a therapist we've seen for ages.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;"><b>Does Your Mate Have a Sexual Fetish?</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Most partners don't find out about this until way into the marriage. Your initial response is probably shock, followed by anger. How could my partner nave kept such a secret from me? What am I supposed<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>to do now? You feel alone and betrayed. My partner isn't the person I<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>thought they were. There's a sense that you don't even know them. Finding this out can have a negative distancing effect. However, if you choose to understand and participate in this fetish, you will develop a deep bond in your marriage. It's up to you to learn as much as you can<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>by yourself and with your partner's help and guidance.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;"><b>Can A Sexual Fetish Be Cured?</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">A sexual fetish is something ingrained. Many experts now think it could be genetic. Whatever the origin, one thing I can tell you unequivocally: It will not go away. The connection between early body sensation and erotic emotion is too powerful to break. Many have tried<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>to will themselves to not like or think about the fetish. They push their desire deep down and try and tell it to go away. But just like a homosexual cannot go straight, (despite some religious zealots who claim otherwise) neither can a sexual fetish leave. It is simply too embedded into the subconscious.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">I have worked with many fetishists. The desire is definitely stronger at some times than other times but it never completely dissipates. Many have told me they have spent years<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>squelching their desire and then finally give in. It feels better to 'eat' than walk around feeling hungry or starved.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;"><b>Do I Need Help?</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">You don't need help because you have a fetish. You may need assistance in handling the feelings you have about yourself in relation to the fetish. How do you handle these feelings of being different? What about the guilt and shame? How can you function in a sexual<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>relationship regardless of whether your partner is involved in your fetish? Therapy provides a save haven to finally talk about your sexuality instead of keeping it bundled inside. It feels good to be heard.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">I have worked with people with all kinds of sexual fetishes. Initially, there's a great deal of relief in talking to an accepting open-minded person in a non-judgmental environment. Once<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>safety is established, we explore how the fetish impacts your relationship, self-esteem and general well being. We explore in depth your feelings of guilt, shame and anger at being sexually different. You<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>also get in touch with the gratification and benefits you receive from<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>your own individual form of sexual expression.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">After we have a thorough understanding of the present, we back up and explore the past. Many but not all people with a fetish have experienced some kind of childhood abuse and trauma. The work then deepens and takes on the role of traditional psychodynamic therapy. The goal is never to get rid of the fetish but to normalize it, accept it and incorporate it into your life with a feeling of acceptance and happiness.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;"><b>Some Closure</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Fetish belongs to you and you alone. It is unique and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>reflective of your personal sexual being. A fetish forms early in life. We are generally unaware of the fetish until adolescence when it<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>reappears as part of our developing sexuality. It is something that<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>happens subconsciously and without premeditation.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Guilt in and of itself implies purposefulness. Since no one purposely chose his or her fetish are we then guilty of mindfully choosing this fetish as part of our sexual<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>repertoire? Not at all. Shame is a feeling that we are doing something wrong. Is it really incorrect to engage in something that provides pleasure and fulfillment? Again, the answer is no.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">Normalization is the key to helping you overcome shame and guilt about sexual fetish. Your thoughts and sexuality belong to you and you alone. It's time to let yourself embrace all aspects of your being.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-family: helvetica; font-kerning: none;">© 2008 Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(38, 38, 38); color: #262626; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="background-color: #fffbfb; font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-64628476998568915972008-02-16T20:53:00.003-08:002023-04-26T19:37:20.162-07:00Sadness vs. Depression: Either Way, Therapy Helps!<p><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><img border="0" data-original-height="605" data-original-width="514" height="362" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitY44CnAeA4gmPgtzqzki3ktjQ4pPVXp1WTt1SUUer-nciR5i-vJR_UBPeUwYzML657obwEfZBz8Eh8JLaORyU8nb4QqWf07eaXkBZJNFeqYavT7Us2wQpp-P8xMpWrn5cOZS7B3aJ_biZSlpEAkJ13Zj2fvK3GQXdSxeExuHev-3JSc_71aV7juut5g/w307-h362/Depression.jpeg" style="text-align: center;" width="307" /></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Sadness</span><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Sometimes we say we feel depressed when we really mean we are feeling sad or angry. Maybe someone close to us has died or a long-term relationship has ended. Perhaps we feel unfulfilled at work or we're having difficulty coping with our spouse, children or friends. These kind of situations are labeled as depression but actually they are all situational. By situational I mean that we have some idea about where the feeling of pain is coming from. The sadness has a source. It's not a mystery.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;">When you feel unhappy over something specific, it seems like it might be an easy fix. We think about making a change. Get a divorce, change jobs, make new friends. We've all been taught that the way to get over hurt is to make an alteration or get a replacement. In reality, that doesn't work. More times than not, these situational occurrences display patterns that are detrimental to our well-being. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Therapy can help you discover your original model and re-shape your individual mold. We figure out what is representative of who you are today and make distinct and poignant changes to your core personal belief system. You might be stuck in that job because underneath it all you feel that's all your worth. You might allow yourself to engage with someone who emotionally starves you because you don't know what it's like to be nourished. Situational depression is almost always symptomatic of an irrational belief that no longer serves you. My therapy helps you get over the sadness of today and learn what to do when other painful situations come up in the future.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Clinical Depression</span><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: helvetica;">When real feelings are left unexpressed, they fester and multiply. The sadness or anger does not go away. Instead, it get stored inside our bodies and left unacknowledged. Many of us grew up in families that did not encourage or even allow us to express any kind of overt feelings. We learned to suppress our normal natural childlike feelings of anger, depression and even joy. Experience proved the old adage 'better to be seen than heard' and we learned to repress in order to survive. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;">True depression is all about the stuffing of feelings. It is a pervasive low feeling of knowing that something feels wrong but we just don't know what. Life feels like a day in and day out drudge. There's nothing to look forward to. Nothing that brings us happiness. We go through the motions and keep up appearances. Some days are easier than others. Most days we just don't care.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Sometimes the feelings are stored so deeply that we just feel numb. By the time we reach adulthood we don't even know what a feeling is or how to label one. Many people think that all a therapist says is, "How do you feel about that?" Early on in my career, I learned that for many people, the question of "how do you feel?" is honestly impossible. Simply put, deep depression means you are so detached that you really don't know how you feel. You have long ago, drowned in your own sorrow. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Luckily we live in a day and age where you can be 'saved'. If you are in living like a human zombie feeling totally crushed, empty and overwhelmingly sad, there is real help. I always see anti-depressants as a useful tool but I also see it as only one of many tools to help you get on with your life. Medication alone is never enough. Real depression requires real human contact and unconditional positive regard. More often than not, the lack of true support is the root cause of depression. A solid trusting therapeutic relationship is essential for recovery. It's most effective when someone who is depressed is given the power to set the pace. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;">The healing comes when we unlock and release those stored up feelings. We do this a little bit at a time so that it's not overwhelming. Sometimes it hurts a bit when we clean out the wounds. That sting is necessary in order to make sure we get it totally clean. The goal is to eventually form scar tissue that will not be painful to the touch. The old hurts become a part of your past. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;">You can feel alive again. As soon as you arrive you've take the first step towards acknowledging that you're worth it. From there we'll schedule regular work-outs so we can exercise that part of you that wants to join the world. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;">When you think about getting help, you are tuning into the part of you that still has hope. That's the part of you that's still alive. No matter how small, we can take this tiny hopeful part and develop it together. It's like working out. We've got to start slow so that we can effect change that you can internalize. Healing occurs when we unlock and release stored up feelings. From there we develop new thoughts and ways to approach life. Usually we discover that the person you originally thought you were has little to do with the person you are in reality.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;">© 2008 Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT</span></p><div><br /></div>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-18115719061304135242006-05-19T14:00:00.054-07:002023-04-26T19:41:55.997-07:00How To Reignite Passion Into a Relationship<div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><i><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Ruben and Gloria sit in my office on opposite ends of the couch. Gloria hangs her head so that her long, thick curly hair hides the tears that want to flow. Ruben stares at the clock on the wall. He looks like he wants to be anywhere else but here. He appears annoyed but I know he’s afraid.</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><i><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Ruben, 39, and Gloria, 34 have been married for 8 years and have two children: a 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old daughter. They decided to seek marriage counseling after Gloria discovered that Ruben has been emailing a lady he had met in an on-line ‘chat room’. Gloria herself is trying to control a growing crush she has with a much younger co-worker. </i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZZfGuqOhbW3btQscdrqanePoivFoc9idLcKZtVropz5ZNRQM_U1Gc9pmtzerWXZXwJNAQgOhkn8_HuOozW3EGC8vcJ6xTnes6JuKsAs8YQJY-QkAhoM-FKWIsH0Sf1mKOCAZyKhIfuQkK8xEeg4I4yXj69I5mHs9JB01G_iUBjWuiTcH93SlvI3JMZw/s605/Ignite.jpeg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="605" data-original-width="402" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZZfGuqOhbW3btQscdrqanePoivFoc9idLcKZtVropz5ZNRQM_U1Gc9pmtzerWXZXwJNAQgOhkn8_HuOozW3EGC8vcJ6xTnes6JuKsAs8YQJY-QkAhoM-FKWIsH0Sf1mKOCAZyKhIfuQkK8xEeg4I4yXj69I5mHs9JB01G_iUBjWuiTcH93SlvI3JMZw/s320/Ignite.jpeg" width="213" /></a></div></div></blockquote><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Ruben and Gloria have known for months that something is missing in their relationship. They just weren’t clear on what was happening. They tried to ignore the growing distance between them. Both hoped that things would just get better in time. Now the red flags are flying too high to ignore. They know they are entering dangerous territory. Hopefully, marriage counseling will re-direct their path and lead them back to each other. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Ruben and Gloria are typical of many of the couples I see. They are thirty-something, educated; career oriented, and have one or two young toddlers. They appear to be happily married. Yet as the years pass, the distance between them seems to grow. There are family matters, children to care for, illnesses, finances, mortgage payments, job changes, and deaths along with life’s everyday challenges. When focus is predominately on outside events, couples often drift apart. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It happens slowly and insidiously. Couples who were once close, feel the passion is now gone. Sure, they have their children and their possessions in common. But what about the original bonding that brought them together in the first place? Values, goals and special feelings get buried under the grind of everyday life.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking a person outside the marriage can provide the tempting, often missed charge of 'being in love’. While it may be a short-term fix, it’s ends up being a long-term disaster. Why not fall back in love with your actual partner? Most people just need to give their marriage a ‘tune-up.’ </span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Here are some tried an true tips I recommend to my patients on how to re-ignite your original passion: </span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>Communicate</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When was the last time you sat down and really talked to your partner? I’m talking about the way you used to talk when you were first getting to know each other. Human beings grow and have new experiences on a daily basis. Make it a point to talk and listen to what your mate has to say each and every day.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>Take a Genuine Interest in Each Other’s Experiences</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Talk with each other, not at each other. Listen attentively without planning what you’ll say next or impatiently waiting your turn to speak. Pay attention to the tone of voice, body language and eye contact. Ask questions. Validate positive experiences. Offer support and empathy when needed.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>Just the Two of You</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>All parents love their children but most marriage counselors agree that it is important for a husband and wife to have some ‘alone’ time. Get someone to baby-sit while the two of you go out on a date. Do something that will allow you to talk, have fun and feel close to each other. Do the things you used to do before you were married. Try something new. Be seductive and flirtatious with each other. Dress up and take the time to look your best. There is only one DON’T; avoid talking about the kids, money or work. Tonight is about the two of you.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>Get Involved</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Work on a project together. Create something. Learn a new language or musical instrument. Play games. Build something for your home. Write a book for your kids. Make a short homemade movie. Take a class. Try making a photo or video scrapbook of old family photos or video footage.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Working as a team will naturally bring you closer together. It happens at the workplace all the time. Invite this feeling of accomplishment into your own home. It really works.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>Spruce Up Your Bedroom Activities</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Sex is the most obvious thing we think of when we say the passion has gone out of our relationship. I don’t agree. Boredom in the bedroom is a result of non-communication and lack of intimacy. Sex becomes routine because the rest of the relationship is routine.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Intimacy is the result of feeling close to someone by sharing feelings and experiences. When couples learn how to improve their communication skills they will naturally feel more comfortable sharing their wants and needs in the bedroom. Straightforward talk will ultimately lead to more satisfying, fulfilling sex.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; white-space: pre;"> </span><span style="font-family: helvetica;">That being said here are some easy ways to add zing to your sex life:</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>Seduction</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Seduce and romance your partner like you did when you first met. Kiss and make out in public. Be affectionate with each other. Reminisce about your first date. Look at your wedding album. Sexy lingerie, candles, a bottle of wine, silk sheets are all good aphrodisiacs. Read erotic literature to each other in bed. Act out the parts you like best. Be spontaneous, playful and carefree.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>Share Your Secret Fantasy</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Allow yourselves to share your sexual fantasies or secrets no matter how outrageous or silly they may seem. Promise to be non-judgmental. Be open to play out these scenes as long as they are not uncomfortable for you.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>Role-Playing</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Role-playing is liberating, offers options and taps into your creativity. It’s an amazingly effective, safe way to get variety into your sex life. Be someone else in the context of a scenario. Hero, villain, teacher, student, spy, Casanova, etc. Wear costumes, wigs and play roles that you’d find fun.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Many couples enjoy ‘picking each other up’ as strangers in a bar. They have a few drinks and go home with each other. I even know a couple that employs his wife as his ‘prostitute’. In that way he feels more comfortable relating some of his more offbeat desires. In her role as a sex worker, she feels more knowledgeably about sexual variations. She also has the authority to ‘negotiate’ and decide what acts she will or won’t perform.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><b>In Summary</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It’s not too late to turn up the heat in your relationship. Don’t get caught up in the trivial pursuit of your life. Remember that you picked your partner for a reason – you felt strong, intense desire for each other. That desire is still there. It may be hidden by life’s distractions but smoldering ashes can be re-ignited with your loving energy.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><i>This article was originally published by the 4 Therapy Network January 2006.</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><i>© 2006 Jackie A. Castro, MA, MFT</i></span></div><div><br /></div>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4656744915369121689.post-45565139536790214932006-01-20T16:41:00.003-08:002023-04-26T19:28:05.379-07:00For Better Or For Worse, And Other Things That Didn't Come True: A Look At Divorce<p><em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: inherit; font-family: helvetica; font-size: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span> </span>I never thought this would happen to me. I was raised to believe that marriage is forever. My parents never divorced. Neither did any of my sisters and brothers. Why did I pick someone that did not honor the commitment? I can’t believe my husband left after only 3 years. Thank goodness we never had children.
</em><em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: inherit; font-family: helvetica; font-size: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span> </span>- Elizabeth C.</em></p><p><em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: inherit; font-family: helvetica; font-size: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span> </span>I just couldn’t take it anymore. The fighting was out of control. The day my husband and I split, I felt relieved. Finally some peace but now the reality of being alone with three young children is hitting hard. Part of me wants him back. The other part of me knows that our relationship was way too flawed.
</em><em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: inherit; font-family: helvetica; font-size: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span> </span>- Melinda T.</em></p><p><em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: inherit; font-family: helvetica; font-size: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></em></p><p><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_35l5fA3R-1kW6MtD9-9shUxKa9qvP0E_deFhkTLBt3HRW96vNqDiXfMdsCfs2DnjFL3UyqUzVz6PRpxstvQPGWhDxPOknpvURRlI2VCZjSe1E3aLtR04EcFH5NxJDAGR4LAk_cnk23wphfldB3tYw83CtM2WD0BHVlHvmFLl7LnWiM4QawLgBpKPNA/s518/Better%20or%20Worse.jpeg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="518" data-original-width="451" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_35l5fA3R-1kW6MtD9-9shUxKa9qvP0E_deFhkTLBt3HRW96vNqDiXfMdsCfs2DnjFL3UyqUzVz6PRpxstvQPGWhDxPOknpvURRlI2VCZjSe1E3aLtR04EcFH5NxJDAGR4LAk_cnk23wphfldB3tYw83CtM2WD0BHVlHvmFLl7LnWiM4QawLgBpKPNA/s320/Better%20or%20Worse.jpeg" width="279" /></a></div></div><p><span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span> </span>The ending of a long-term committed relationship is a traumatic grief experience. Even if we think it’s for the best it is still one of the most shocking, most difficult losses to endure. In many cases, it’s more difficult than dealing with death.
<span> </span>When a marriage ends, many people go into shock. They can’t believe they are really separated from the person that they vowed to be with ‘til death to us part’. No matter what the reason, the end is never easy. Most of us have no idea how to cope or what to do.
<span> </span>Friends give us well-meaning advice that usually doesn’t help:
<span> </span>“You’re better off.”
<span> </span>“He was no good.”
<span> </span>“I never liked him.”
<span> </span>“Men are like trains. Another one will come soon.”
<span> </span>These well-intentioned platitudes don’t help. Ultimately, the newly divorced female feels alone and confused.
<span> </span>Note: Though much of this information is non-gender specific, for purposes of this article, I am choosing to write from the female perspective.
<b>The Female Stereotype: It’s Still Out There</b>
<span> </span>Women are taught that a relationship is everything. Even today, little girls like to play with dolls and ‘play house’. They fantasize about a mom, a dad and having babies. Women are geared towards the role of being the nurturer and caretaker. Even those of us who have important jobs and careers still put those other roles ‘on hold’ in order to make a baby and give it a home. Society still supports the idea that it is primarily the female who keeps the relationship and/or family together.
<span> </span>Little girls are brought up with the notion that all they have to do is wait for their ‘prince charming’. Somehow, somewhere there’s this magical being that will sweep her off her feet and protect her from the mean, dark world. Even when women suffer horrible break ups or endure the most painful of relationships they still daydream about this mythical man. They can’t help it. These myths and fairy tales are deeply ingrained. Adults view these same tales in romantic movies, romance novels, tabloids, soap operas and love songs.
<b>The Pain of A Break Up</b>
<span> </span>When a marriage breaks up women feel particularly devastated. They tend to blame themselves. Oftentimes, the relationship was emotionally or physically abusive but the woman stays in the relationship way longer than necessary. This is because she feels pressured to keep things status quo and together. When the marriage finally ends, women often feel ashamed and embarrassed. They imagine themselves as damaged goods. Thus, in addition to the natural feelings of grief as a result of loss or change, comes an unnatural loss of self-esteem.
<span> </span>Women are taught to keep up appearances. Society tells up to ‘keep a stiff upper lip’. Shameful feelings foster feelings of pain, anger, loss of trust and bewilderment. Oftentimes these emotions get stuffed down or pushed aside. We’re taught to ‘deal with it later’. The ways we deal with things later often get convoluted into other situations that are ultimately dangerous.
<b>Hazards and Pitfalls</b>
<span> </span>Most of us are unprepared when it comes to loss. We really don’t know what to do. The break up of a marriage is particularly confusing. We took a vow ‘till death do us part’. We never consider the fact that sometimes our partners stray, become abusive, fall in love with someone else, develop conflicting desires or the partnership simply becomes incompatible. In a perfect world, we would learn to ‘screen’ better but nevertheless, marriages break up at an alarming rate. Elizabeth and Melissa are examples of two women who just didn’t know how to cope.
<b>Destructive Behaviors</b>
<span> </span>Elizabeth took the opportunity to go wild. She had been brought up in a religious household with conservative beliefs. When her husband left without warning, Elizabeth literally went into shock. Her world was shattered and her family was disapproving. Elizabeth’s broken heart developed into an insatiable hole. She went from relationship to relationship. All of them unsatisfying. Each worst than the next. She unsuccessfully tried to replace the loss instead of looking to herself for the answers.
<span> </span>Melinda just got angrier and angrier. She tried to soothe her anger with lots of alcohol but that only created another problem. So frazzled was she that the state intervened, and she lost the children she loved. Now she’s dealing with one loss on top of the other. Happily, Melinda’s fall to the bottom is finally getting her the help she needs. Melinda is in rehab now exploring unresolved anger issues and hoping to be reunited with her kids real soon.
<span> </span>Elizabeth and Melinda sound like they went to the extreme but we all rely on short term relief to solve long term loss issues. Over eating, drinking, drugging, sleeping, sex, shopping, exercising, running, working are some of the ways we indulge ourselves in order to cope. We simply don’t know what to do and rely on distractions rather than acknowledge the pain.
<b>Isolation</b>
<span> </span>Some women tend to isolate after a break up. They no longer want to see their friends because many of these women were the other half of the couples they and their husband socialized with. Likewise, some of these ‘friends’ don’t want to go out with them either. They feel like divorce is a disease and it brings their own vulnerabilities to the forefront. This situation is an unfortunate bi-product of a break up. Fortunately, when one looks deep there are usually other divorced or single co-workers or acquaintances that can be of enormous help. Some of these people turn into life-long friends.
<b>Fast Recovery</b>
<span> </span>Beware of being OK too fast. Women have always been taught to put on ‘a happy face’. They act strong for their children. They seem extremely functional to their friends. It’s hard to imagine that anything is wrong in their lives. This very fast recovery can be as dangerous as any of the more overt destructive behaviors. Usually these are women who want to please or not burden others. They act recovered even when they aren’t.
<b>Feeling Tired</b>
<span> </span>It takes a great deal of energy to conceal feelings. Many women are so busy stuffing their feelings that they literally wear themselves out. Many people in grief talk about loss of energy or motivation. They don’t understand it takes energy to hold back the tears. A broken heart needs to be acknowledged and nurtured.
<span> </span>There’s no doubt that the break up of a committed affair leaves us feeling bewildered and abandoned. Something has happened that we didn’t anticipate. Someone we trusted has abandoned us. We feel vulnerable. Our hearts our broken.
<b>
If You Are Experiencing A Break Up</b>
Remember, you are not broken. It’s your relationship that has failed. You are still a whole person with a whole life to live. It may feel absolutely crazy right now, but it’s the situation, not you that has fallen apart. Dig inside and remember that you survived many years without him. You can do it again.
<b>Do not create false memories.</b>
<span> </span>Elizabeth kept going back to the wonderful romantic times she had with her ex. She tended to lament the relationship because the beginning was so magical for her. She quickly forgot her husband’s cold and withholding attitude. As she forgot, she began to mourn a person who didn’t really exist. She made herself feel worse and worse about the break up, blaming herself for not being able to hold on to such ‘a wonderful guy’. She became self punishing by getting involved with men that were in some way unavailable and repeated the same self destructive behavior over and over again. Elizabeth self-punished for years because she created a distorted picture of her marriage.
<b>Do not stuff your feelings.</b>
<span> </span>Let yourself cry. Allow yourself to mourn. Remember taking a pill or eating a cooking will only make you feel different. They will not make you feel better.
<b>Do not blame yourself. </b>
<span> </span>You are only 50 percent responsible for the breakup of your marriage if it’s even that much. Take partial but do not take full responsibility. Each of you made mistakes. Allow yourself to learn from these mistakes so you can do better next time. Be gentle with yourself. Recognize you are in crisis. Your world has been shattered into pieces. You feel like you are going crazy. Remember it’s the situation and not you.
<b>
Do not worry about your age. </b>
<span> </span>Many marriages dissolve when people are in there 50’s, 60’s and even 70’s. Our life expectancy is much higher today. There’s a whole community of people in your age range who are in same boat as you. You are not alone. Join a support group to help you meet others in the same boat as you.
<span> </span>Get help. Therapy is a good place to talk. It’s safe, confidential and you will be heard without judgment. It’s never too late to make changes. Learn how to love and nurture yourself. You deserve it.
<b>In Summary</b>
<span> </span>It’s not uncommon for newly divorced women to engage in dangerous behaviors as a result of a broken heart and unresolved grief. When traveling down a new path, it’s OK to seek out the help of a guide. Perhaps it’s someone who’s been there before or someone who is has studied the road. Now is the perfect time to seek guidance. You don’t have to be alone.
This article was originally published by the 4 Therapy Network January 2006.
© 2006 Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT<i>
</i></span></span></p>Jackie A. Castro MA LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05245468499092783347noreply@blogger.com0