Emotional Cheating - The Real Betrayal of Trust

He has a 'buddy' at work who turns out to be a hot blonde. They go to lunch everyday and out to drinks at  night. He's never touched her but he often confides to her about his  long term goals, conflicts and family life. One day you pop into his  office and she seems to know all about you but you were only vaguely aware of her. Is he cheating?

He signs up for a website designed for singles. He has a fake name and phony description. He corresponds regularly with  some of the women on line. The talk is non-sexual but he has developed  some 'relationships'. You discover his membership by accident. Is he cheating?

An ex-girlfriend from college contacts him on Facebook. They begin an email  relationship and they text each other often during the day. He has  plans to meet her for coffee without telling you. Is he cheating?

All the above men  are married with children for several years. The husband has been  having extracurricular activities first developed in secret. Sometimes the wives find out by accident; other times the husband reluctantly discloses under duress. When the idea of 'other women' comes out into  the open and the couple finally talks, each gets the same answer. "We're  just friends. I'm not cheating on you."

Yet, these men are going outside the marriage in a way that is far more detrimental than having a one night stand. Why? Because they are forming close relationships with someone  other than you. If you are like the many women who come to me with similar issues, you need to be aware that your marriage could be in danger.

What is Cheating?
Conventional infidelity is called adultery. The definition of adultery according to Webster's Dictionary is simply "unfaithfulness to the marriage bed". Google definitions characterize adultery as "extramarital sex that willfully and maliciously interferes with  marriage relations." In both cases, some kind of sexual activity is needed to claim adultery.

While the cases I cited, and other indiscretions that evoke rage from my female clients do not necessarily  have to do with sex, all carry strong hints of secrets, betrayals and  sexual tension between male and female. Emotional cheating is not about  the act of sex but it is about becoming intimate with a member of the opposite sex. The men focus their energy, attention and daydreams towards someone other than you. You begin to feel deceived, unattended  and discounted. While you are concerned about the possibility of sex, it's the friendship that he's developing with 'her' that leaves you feeling hurt the most:

Why is he talking to her when he should be talking to me?
Why is he focusing thoughts on her when he should be thinking of me and the kids?
What does she have that I don't?

The Excuses
He'll tell you that these are 'harmless' flirtations. He'll say that he and the other woman are 'just friends or buddies'. Don't buy into that answer. While sometimes men and women can be 'friends', a  friendship that is developed without your knowledge is concerning.

He'll say that he didn't tell you because he  didn't want to 'get you upset'. 'You would get the wrong idea'. Don't buy into that excuse. You actually got the right idea. Deep down he  feels guilty. He knows his behavior is out of line. Secrets are never okay in a committed relationship. 

Some guys like to know that they are still desirable and that they 'still have what it takes'. He'll say these relationships are diversions. He'll profess his devotion to you. He'll say that he just enjoys the company other women. He may even say it's  good for him to talk about you in order to get a female 'perspective'. The excuses go on and on. 

At the end of the day, you're correct. Your feelings of fear, anger and hurt are normal and natural. Your husband is engaging in inappropriate behavior and he's been holding a secret.   Married guys who form emotional relationships are acting  inappropriately. A dangerous precedent is being set in your marriage. This time it may be with a woman that is no threat. But next time it may be a woman who really does want your man.

What Can You Do?
First, you need to take inventory of yourself. That means  taking some responsibility for  the root cause of his desire for other  women. Is there truly something that he gets from them that he's not  getting from you? Men thrive on appreciation and attention. I understand that you're busy with work, raising a family and keeping up  with a myriad of household chores. Still, when he walks in the door, do you remember to greet him with a smile? Are you actively listening and  participating in his life? Are you giving him the same kind of love and  attention that you bestowed on him when you first got together? 

In today's world, women definitely have some  real challenges when it comes to balancing their roles as wife, mother  and head of household. Yet, men require a certain amount of attention.  In a perfect world, he understands. In today's world he goes online and  joins Facebook, emails and interacts with many other females all day  long. This does not excuse the emotional ties he forms with other women but it does explain the dilemma. In every relationship, each partner  needs to take some responsibility when things go awry.

If you are one hundred percent honest, I bet you'll find some room for improvement in your behavior. Don't beat yourself up. I understand. Your life is busy and even overwhelming. Who  has the time to comb your hair when you have a 2 year old who's wetting  his pants and poking his 6 month old  sister all at the same moment? Who has the time to cook a real meal when you have a deadline and have to stay late at the office. Still, your man is the core of your family. Take your feelings of rage and direct them towards making some change.  Anger is a driving force so put that energy to use!

Oftentimes a little adjustment, will go a long way. Put your anger aside and make some minor adjustments. Dress up in something he likes, cook his favorite meal and give him some quality attention. You just might see a change quicker than you anticipate.

Sometimes it may also come down to the fact that you did not choose wisely. Many men do not have good impulse control. While I believe it's in the nature of the male species to be  multiply attracted to many females, a married man understands the  commitment he made when he made his vows. If he does not respond to your  change, he may need some intervention to teach him basic management  skills. Boundary setting is a good place to start.

Setting Boundaries
Recently I was counseling a newly wed couple. They were exceptionally good looking, intelligent and both had high powered  careers which put them in the middle of Hollywood's A List. This couple  wasn't married for more than three months when they stepped into my office.  One of the major issues was how to handle former lovers who didn't respect their new marital status. Both were besieged by texts, emails and Facebook messages from former lovers who wanted to 'stay in touch'. He was not happy about his wife corresponding with an ex boyfriend. She was not thrilled that he was talking to women without her knowledge.  When she found out about his online correspondences she became extremely angry and felt very betrayed.

Marriage counseling opened up the lines of communication. This couple lived such a high powered lifestyle that they didn't even have the skills to talk intimately with each other. A few  sessions with me really helped them learn how to speak directly to each  other. Correct communication means that they learned how to listen and  make sure each interpreted the others statement accurately. Next we  brainstormed ways that they could combat the intrusion of the 'ex's'  together as a team. That meant no holding of secrets, sharing the emails  and collectively coming up with a strategy that worked. Realistically, some of the people were also business contacts so each communication had to be handled on a case by case basis. The most important aspect of the counseling was getting the couple to unite and share.

More established couples need to figure out how they feel about friendships and relationships with the opposite sex. As a general rule of thumb, secrets can not be tolerated. No matter how much it might hurt to know that your husband wants to befriend someone  else or spend time with a coworker, you have got to listen to him like an adult and not a pouty child. Men are direct problem solvers. They don't handle your emotions as well as they can respond to a concrete set of rules. 

One couple and I came to the agreement that neither party would talk to a member of the opposite sex unless the  other was present. If there was a female friend, both would befriend her  and both would go out to dinner with her. Other couples may decide that lunches with female coworkers are OK as long as the lunch is held  within a group setting. In other words, it's a bunch of people going to  the restaurant.

Boundary setting is something that the two  of you need to get behind. You need to think of every possible situation that has all ready happened as well as situations that may occur. Set a game plan of how you will handle every encounter that may happen. This includes flirtatious behavior from members of the opposite sex, contacts from past lovers on-line, sexually aggressive co-workers, chance  encounters, etc. It's like drilling for an earthquake or hurricane. We hope that it doesn't happen but it's best to be prepared.

What About 'The Nature of the Male Sexual Beast'?
I understand that men are different than us. Their sexual appetite is something that we women don't get. Most of us are 'one women men' as long as we are cared for, loved and protected. In general, most women in committed relationships don't get the itch to look or  fantasize like the guys. Emotional cheating is far different than looking at a 'girly magazine' or checking out some adult websites. There's no possibility of having a true relationship with a photographic  image. Emotional cheating has potential to destroy a marriage. The  occasional glance at another woman is natural to the male species. Having an emotional relationship outside the marriage is not.

© 2009 Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT

You'll Never Guess What Turns Me On: Understanding Your Sexual Fetish

Like many men, Bob's favorite part of the Miss America Pageant is the swimsuit competition. Unlike other men, he's not checking out what's on top. Instead Bob is intently focused on the  contestant's stiletto heels. Bob is a heterosexual man with a foot fetish.

Susan is in her 40's and married to the same man for 16 years. To date, she has never told her husband that at the moment of orgasm she imagines herself as a schoolgirl being spanked over her teacher's knee. Susan is a heterosexual female with a fetish for spanking.

Jim goes to the lingerie shop and sifts through the panties. He holds up a pair of pink panties marked extra large. Jim's wife wears size small and Jim is not having an affair. The panties are for Jim. Jim is a heterosexual man who enjoys wearing women's lingerie.

In her excitement, Karen almost forgot to pack the essential rubber bathing caps. She and her husband Bill are not headed to the beach. Instead, they are going to a small gathering of  people who enjoy wearing rubber. The feel, touch and scent of rubber are erotic for Bill and Karen. This heterosexual couple has a fetish for latex and rubber.

When it comes to sexuality, most of us were not  brought up with many options. Men are supposed to be attracted to women and women attracted to men. Kissing, touching and intercourse are acceptable forms of sexual expression between a man and a woman. 

Until recently homosexuals were considered outcasts and persecuted. Happily, our society is becoming more and more accepting of homosexuality. But what about those of us who are 'straight' with sexual proclivities out of the norm? What about people  like Bob, Susan, Jim, Bill and Karen? How do they deal with feeling sexually different? How can they function and feel good about themselves in our close-minded society?

  

What Is a Sexual Fetish?

Sexual fetish describes people who are aroused by unusual parts of the body, activities, or objects that are generally not associated with conventional sex. The fetish is strong and is deep seated in the subconscious mind. People can have sex without actually participating in the fetish activity. However, 99% of people with a fetish are like Susan. They cannot have an orgasm unless they think about the fetish at the moment of explosion.

There are all kinds of sexual fetishes. Sexuality is something that is as unique as each individual. Some people fixate on parts of the body: shoes, feet, legs, bottoms, hair or  armpits. Others enjoy acting out certain kinds of scenarios including Dominant/submissive role-playing, spanking, bondage, cross-dressing and  trampling. Still others find certain articles of clothing or fabric stimulating such as leather, latex, rubber and even angora sweaters. The acts and scenarios attached to these fetishes are many and variable. 

 

People With Fetishes Are Ashamed

It's no wonder. Our society labels anything sexually different as deviant or perverted. These labels hurt deeply to those whose sexual make-up is out of the norm. Fetishists feel weird, ashamed and guilty for their desires. While the fetish provides pleasure and relief, all these people have feelings of shame about being sexually different. 

Fetishists are afraid of sharing their secret with a lover. They fear rejection, ridicule or abandonment. Unfortunately their fears are not unfounded. Oftentimes, people who disclose to their wives or husbands wish they hadn't. Their partners react with shock or embarrassment promoting even more feels of shame and regret. 

The general public is uneducated about  sexuality out of the norm. Most people (even in this day and age) resort to perfunctory sex. We are not schooled in the joys of playing and  acting out fantasies. Fetishes often require special costuming, effects, verbiage and creativity. We are not trained to indulge in sexual  desires. We just don't understand. 

People with a fetish generally think they are the only one. It's a secret that they carry to the grave or possibly a paid professional (prostitute or Dominatrix). Sexual fetish is a  misunderstood confusing topic. Why can't my partner or I just enjoy and experience sex in the moment? Is it abnormal to have strong sexual feelings or thoughts, which I can't control? Is there a 'cure' for  fetish? Is it OK to act on the fetish?

Where Does The Fetish Come From?

There's no definitive answer as to why someone is or isn't precluded to having a fetish. Most remember having some kind of early childhood memory connected to the fetish. 

Fear, excitement, curiosity, pleasure are powerful emotions that are felt in the body. The body remembers the  charge physiologically and for some of us those moments become  eroticized on a subconscious level. Even scary childhood moments. We  protected ourselves by sexualizing the powerful feelings. Generally the  feelings lay dormant until we become sexually active. Then out of  nowhere, we connect our original moment of excitement and experience to a  powerful erotic charge. This feeling is so strong that our sexuality is  linked to that early sexual/excitement/fear moment.

For example, someone who likes spanking might have heard someone else get a spanked or they were spanked themselves. While the event wasn't necessarily enjoyable at the time, it  made great impact. It was charged moment that later became sexualized. How does that happen? Spanking is done behind closed doors, undergarments are taken down and there is a certain degree of intimacy about the act. Hence, powerful emotions are evoked. 

These powerful emotions linked to the fetish are stored in the subconscious mind. They are connected to a part of our brain that produces sexual stimulation. When puberty strikes these thoughts and feelings may re-emerge. Before we realize what's happening  we are associating our childhood fear/excitement to adult sexual feelings. 

Do You Have A Sexual Fetish?

Chances are good that if you were attracted to this article you have a sexual fetish or a penchant for sexuality out of the norm. You may or may not have told anyone or acted upon it. Perhaps you have see professional women who specialize in exotic forms of adult  entertainment. The visits to these adult workers are satisfying in the moment but ultimately leave you feeling alone and ashamed. 

You may have shared your secret desire with your significant other only to be shunned and rejected. People who have sexual fetishes are often left feeling very alone. It's just not  something we feel comfortable bringing up with a friend over lunch. It's  even hard to tell a therapist we've seen for ages. 

Does Your Mate Have a Sexual Fetish?

Most partners don't find out about this until way into the marriage. Your initial response is probably shock, followed by anger. How could my partner nave kept such a secret from me? What am I supposed  to do now? You feel alone and betrayed. My partner isn't the person I  thought they were. There's a sense that you don't even know them. Finding this out can have a negative distancing effect. However, if you choose to understand and participate in this fetish, you will develop a deep bond in your marriage. It's up to you to learn as much as you can  by yourself and with your partner's help and guidance.

 

Can A Sexual Fetish Be Cured?

A sexual fetish is something ingrained. Many experts now think it could be genetic. Whatever the origin, one thing I can tell you unequivocally: It will not go away. The connection between early body sensation and erotic emotion is too powerful to break. Many have tried  to will themselves to not like or think about the fetish. They push their desire deep down and try and tell it to go away. But just like a homosexual cannot go straight, (despite some religious zealots who claim otherwise) neither can a sexual fetish leave. It is simply too embedded into the subconscious.

I have worked with many fetishists. The desire is definitely stronger at some times than other times but it never completely dissipates. Many have told me they have spent years  squelching their desire and then finally give in. It feels better to 'eat' than walk around feeling hungry or starved. 

Do I Need Help?

You don't need help because you have a fetish. You may need assistance in handling the feelings you have about yourself in relation to the fetish. How do you handle these feelings of being different? What about the guilt and shame? How can you function in a sexual  relationship regardless of whether your partner is involved in your fetish? Therapy provides a save haven to finally talk about your sexuality instead of keeping it bundled inside. It feels good to be heard.

I have worked with people with all kinds of sexual fetishes. Initially, there's a great deal of relief in talking to an accepting open-minded person in a non-judgmental environment. Once  safety is established, we explore how the fetish impacts your relationship, self-esteem and general well being. We explore in depth your feelings of guilt, shame and anger at being sexually different. You  also get in touch with the gratification and benefits you receive from  your own individual form of sexual expression.

After we have a thorough understanding of the present, we back up and explore the past. Many but not all people with a fetish have experienced some kind of childhood abuse and trauma. The work then deepens and takes on the role of traditional psychodynamic therapy. The goal is never to get rid of the fetish but to normalize it, accept it and incorporate it into your life with a feeling of acceptance and happiness.

 

Some Closure

Fetish belongs to you and you alone. It is unique and  reflective of your personal sexual being. A fetish forms early in life. We are generally unaware of the fetish until adolescence when it  reappears as part of our developing sexuality. It is something that  happens subconsciously and without premeditation. 

Guilt in and of itself implies purposefulness. Since no one purposely chose his or her fetish are we then guilty of mindfully choosing this fetish as part of our sexual  repertoire? Not at all. Shame is a feeling that we are doing something wrong. Is it really incorrect to engage in something that provides pleasure and fulfillment? Again, the answer is no. 

Normalization is the key to helping you overcome shame and guilt about sexual fetish. Your thoughts and sexuality belong to you and you alone. It's time to let yourself embrace all aspects of your being.

© 2008 Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT

Sadness vs. Depression: Either Way, Therapy Helps!

Sadness
Sometimes we say we feel depressed when we really mean we are feeling sad or angry. Maybe someone close to us has died or a long-term relationship has ended. Perhaps we feel unfulfilled at work or we're having difficulty coping with our spouse, children or friends. These  kind of situations are labeled as depression but actually they are all situational. By situational I mean that we have some idea about where the feeling of pain is coming from. The sadness has a source. It's not a mystery.

When you feel unhappy over something specific, it seems like it might be an easy fix. We think about making a change. Get a divorce, change jobs, make new friends. We've all been taught that  the way to get over hurt is to make an alteration or get a replacement. In reality, that doesn't work. More times than not, these situational  occurrences display patterns that are detrimental to our well-being. 

Therapy can help you discover your original  model and re-shape your individual mold. We figure out what is  representative of who you are today and make distinct and poignant changes to your core personal belief system. You might be stuck in that  job because underneath it all you feel that's all your worth. You might allow yourself to engage with someone who emotionally starves you  because you don't know what it's like to be nourished. Situational  depression is almost always symptomatic of an irrational belief that no  longer serves you. My therapy helps you get over the sadness of today and learn what to do when other painful situations come up in the future.

Clinical Depression
When real feelings are left unexpressed, they fester and multiply. The sadness or anger does not go away. Instead, it get stored  inside our bodies and left unacknowledged. Many of us grew up in families that did not encourage or even allow us to express any kind of overt feelings. We learned to suppress our normal natural childlike feelings of anger, depression and even joy. Experience proved the old adage 'better to be seen than heard' and we learned to repress in order to survive. 

True depression is all about the stuffing of feelings. It is a pervasive low feeling of knowing that something feels  wrong but we just don't know what. Life feels like a day in and day out  drudge. There's nothing to look forward to. Nothing that brings us  happiness. We go through the motions and keep up appearances. Some days are easier than others. Most days we just don't care.

Sometimes the feelings are stored so deeply  that we just feel numb. By the time we reach adulthood we don't even  know what a feeling is or how to label one. Many people think that all a  therapist says is, "How do you feel about that?" Early on in my career, I learned that for many people, the question of "how do you feel?" is  honestly impossible. Simply put, deep depression means you are so detached that you really don't know how you feel. You have long ago, drowned in your own sorrow. 

Luckily we live in a day and age where you can be 'saved'. If you are in living like a human zombie feeling totally crushed, empty and overwhelmingly sad, there is real help. I always see anti-depressants as a useful tool but I also see it as only one of many tools to help you get on with your life. Medication alone is never enough. Real depression requires real human  contact and unconditional positive regard. More often than not, the lack of true support is the root cause of depression. A solid trusting therapeutic relationship is essential for recovery. It's most effective  when someone who is depressed is given the power to set the pace. 

The healing comes when we unlock and release those stored up feelings. We do this a little bit at a time so that  it's not overwhelming. Sometimes it hurts a bit when we clean out the  wounds. That sting is necessary in order to make sure we get it totally  clean. The goal is to eventually form scar tissue that will not be  painful to the touch. The old hurts become a part of your past. 

You can feel alive again. As soon as you arrive you've take the first step towards acknowledging that you're worth it. From there we'll schedule regular work-outs so we can exercise  that part of you that wants to join the world. 

When you think about getting help, you are tuning into the part of you that still has hope. That's the part of you  that's still alive. No matter how small, we can take this tiny hopeful  part and develop it together. It's like working out. We've got to start  slow so that we can effect change that you can internalize. Healing occurs when we unlock and release stored up feelings. From there we develop new thoughts and ways to approach life. Usually we discover that  the person you originally thought you were has little to do with the  person you are in reality.

© 2008 Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT

How To Reignite Passion Into a Relationship

Ruben and Gloria sit in my office on opposite ends of the couch. Gloria hangs her head so that her long, thick curly hair hides the tears that want to flow. Ruben stares at the clock on the wall. He looks like he wants to be anywhere else but here. He appears annoyed but I know he’s afraid.

Ruben, 39, and Gloria, 34 have been married for 8 years and have two children: a 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old daughter. They decided to seek marriage counseling after Gloria discovered that Ruben has been emailing a lady he had met in an on-line ‘chat room’. Gloria herself is trying to control a growing crush she has with a much younger co-worker. 

Ruben and Gloria have known for months that something is missing in their relationship. They just weren’t clear on what was happening. They tried to ignore the growing distance between them. Both hoped that things would just get better in time. Now the red flags are flying too high to ignore. They know they are entering dangerous territory. Hopefully, marriage counseling will re-direct their path and lead them back to each other. 

Ruben and Gloria are typical of many of the couples I see. They are thirty-something, educated; career oriented, and have one or two young toddlers. They appear to be happily married. Yet as the years pass, the distance between them seems to grow. There are family matters, children to care for, illnesses, finances, mortgage payments, job changes, and deaths along with life’s everyday challenges. When focus is predominately on outside events, couples often drift apart. 

It happens slowly and insidiously. Couples who were once close, feel the passion is now gone. Sure, they have their children and their possessions in common. But what about the original bonding that brought them together in the first place? Values, goals and special feelings get buried under the grind of everyday life.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking a person outside the marriage can provide the tempting, often missed charge of 'being in love’. While it may be a short-term fix, it’s ends up being a long-term disaster. Why not fall back in love with your  actual partner? Most people just need to give their marriage a ‘tune-up.’              

Here are some tried an true tips I recommend to my patients on how to re-ignite your original passion: 

Communicate

When was the last time you sat down and really talked to your partner? I’m talking about the way you used to talk when you were first getting to know each other. Human beings grow and have new experiences on a daily basis. Make it a point to talk and listen to what your mate has to say each and every day.

Take a Genuine Interest in Each Other’s Experiences

Talk with each other, not at each other. Listen attentively without planning what you’ll say next or impatiently waiting your turn to speak. Pay attention to the tone of voice, body language and eye contact. Ask questions. Validate positive experiences. Offer support and empathy when needed.

Just the Two of You

All parents love their children but most marriage counselors agree that it is important for a husband and wife to have some ‘alone’ time. Get someone to baby-sit while the two of you go out on a date. Do something that will allow you to talk, have fun and feel close to each other. Do the things you used to do before you were married. Try something new. Be seductive and flirtatious with each other. Dress up and take the time to look your best. There is only one DON’T; avoid talking about the kids, money or work. Tonight is about the two of you.

Get Involved

Work on a project together. Create something. Learn a new language or musical instrument. Play games. Build something for your home. Write a book for your kids. Make a short homemade movie. Take a class. Try making a photo or video scrapbook of old family photos or video footage.

Working as a team will naturally bring you closer together. It happens at the workplace all the time. Invite this feeling of accomplishment into your own home. It really works.

Spruce Up Your Bedroom Activities

Sex is the most obvious thing we think of when we say the passion has gone out of our relationship. I don’t agree. Boredom in the bedroom is a result of non-communication and lack of intimacy. Sex becomes routine because the rest of the relationship is routine.

Intimacy is the result of feeling close to someone by sharing feelings and experiences. When couples learn how to improve their communication skills they will naturally feel more comfortable sharing their wants and needs in the bedroom. Straightforward talk will ultimately lead to more satisfying, fulfilling sex.

That being said here are some easy ways to add zing to your sex life:

Seduction

Seduce and romance your partner like you did when you first met. Kiss and make out in public. Be affectionate with each other. Reminisce about your first date. Look at your wedding album. Sexy lingerie, candles, a bottle of wine, silk sheets are all good aphrodisiacs. Read erotic literature to each other in bed. Act out the parts you like best. Be spontaneous, playful and carefree.

Share Your Secret Fantasy

Allow yourselves to share your sexual fantasies or secrets no matter how outrageous or silly they may seem. Promise to be non-judgmental. Be open to play out these scenes as long as they are not uncomfortable for you.

Role-Playing

Role-playing is liberating, offers options and taps into your creativity. It’s an amazingly effective, safe way to get variety into your sex life. Be someone else in the context of a scenario. Hero, villain, teacher, student, spy, Casanova, etc. Wear costumes, wigs and play roles that you’d find fun.

Many couples enjoy ‘picking each other up’ as strangers in a bar. They have a few drinks and go home with each other. I even know a couple that employs his wife as his ‘prostitute’. In that way he feels more comfortable relating some of his more offbeat desires. In her role as a sex worker, she feels more knowledgeably about sexual variations. She also has the authority to ‘negotiate’ and decide what acts she will or won’t perform.

In Summary

It’s not too late to turn up the heat in your relationship. Don’t get caught up in the trivial pursuit of your life. Remember that you picked your partner for a reason – you felt strong, intense desire for each other. That desire is still there. It may be hidden by life’s distractions but smoldering ashes can be re-ignited with your loving energy.

This article was originally published by the 4 Therapy Network January 2006.

© 2006 Jackie A. Castro, MA, MFT

For Better Or For Worse, And Other Things That Didn't Come True: A Look At Divorce

    I never thought this would happen to me. I was raised to believe that marriage is forever. My parents never divorced. Neither did any of my sisters and brothers. Why did I pick someone that did not honor the commitment? I can’t believe my husband left after only 3 years. Thank goodness we never had children.     - Elizabeth C.

    I just couldn’t take it anymore. The fighting was out of control. The day my husband and I split, I felt relieved. Finally some peace but now the reality of being alone with three young children is hitting hard. Part of me wants him back. The other part of me knows that our relationship was way too flawed.     - Melinda T.

    The ending of a long-term committed relationship is a traumatic grief experience. Even if we think it’s for the best it is still one of the most shocking, most difficult losses to endure. In many cases, it’s more difficult than dealing with death.    When a marriage ends, many people go into shock. They can’t believe they are really separated from the person that they vowed to be with ‘til death to us part’. No matter what the reason, the end is never easy. Most of us have no idea how to cope or what to do.     Friends give us well-meaning advice that usually doesn’t help:     “You’re better off.”     “He was no good.”     “I never liked him.”     “Men are like trains. Another one will come soon.”     These well-intentioned platitudes don’t help. Ultimately, the newly divorced female feels alone and confused.     Note: Though much of this information is non-gender specific, for purposes of this article, I am choosing to write from the female perspective. The Female Stereotype: It’s Still Out There     Women are taught that a relationship is everything. Even today, little girls like to play with dolls and ‘play house’. They fantasize about a mom, a dad and having babies. Women are geared towards the role of being the nurturer and caretaker. Even those of us who have important jobs and careers still put those other roles ‘on hold’ in order to make a baby and give it a home. Society still supports the idea that it is primarily the female who keeps the relationship and/or family together.     Little girls are brought up with the notion that all they have to do is wait for their ‘prince charming’. Somehow, somewhere there’s this magical being that will sweep her off her feet and protect her from the mean, dark world. Even when women suffer horrible break ups or endure the most painful of relationships they still daydream about this mythical man. They can’t help it. These myths and fairy tales are deeply ingrained. Adults view these same tales in romantic movies, romance novels, tabloids, soap operas and love songs. The Pain of A Break Up     When a marriage breaks up women feel particularly devastated. They tend to blame themselves. Oftentimes, the relationship was emotionally or physically abusive but the woman stays in the relationship way longer than necessary. This is because she feels pressured to keep things status quo and together. When the marriage finally ends, women often feel ashamed and embarrassed. They imagine themselves as damaged goods. Thus, in addition to the natural feelings of grief as a result of loss or change, comes an unnatural loss of self-esteem.     Women are taught to keep up appearances. Society tells up to ‘keep a stiff upper lip’. Shameful feelings foster feelings of pain, anger, loss of trust and bewilderment. Oftentimes these emotions get stuffed down or pushed aside. We’re taught to ‘deal with it later’. The ways we deal with things later often get convoluted into other situations that are ultimately dangerous. Hazards and Pitfalls     Most of us are unprepared when it comes to loss. We really don’t know what to do. The break up of a marriage is particularly confusing. We took a vow ‘till death do us part’. We never consider the fact that sometimes our partners stray, become abusive, fall in love with someone else, develop conflicting desires or the partnership simply becomes incompatible. In a perfect world, we would learn to ‘screen’ better but nevertheless, marriages break up at an alarming rate. Elizabeth and Melissa are examples of two women who just didn’t know how to cope. Destructive Behaviors     Elizabeth took the opportunity to go wild. She had been brought up in a religious household with conservative beliefs. When her husband left without warning, Elizabeth literally went into shock. Her world was shattered and her family was disapproving. Elizabeth’s broken heart developed into an insatiable hole. She went from relationship to relationship. All of them unsatisfying. Each worst than the next. She unsuccessfully tried to replace the loss instead of looking to herself for the answers.     Melinda just got angrier and angrier. She tried to soothe her anger with lots of alcohol but that only created another problem. So frazzled was she that the state intervened, and she lost the children she loved. Now she’s dealing with one loss on top of the other. Happily, Melinda’s fall to the bottom is finally getting her the help she needs. Melinda is in rehab now exploring unresolved anger issues and hoping to be reunited with her kids real soon.     Elizabeth and Melinda sound like they went to the extreme but we all rely on short term relief to solve long term loss issues. Over eating, drinking, drugging, sleeping, sex, shopping, exercising, running, working are some of the ways we indulge ourselves in order to cope. We simply don’t know what to do and rely on distractions rather than acknowledge the pain. Isolation     Some women tend to isolate after a break up. They no longer want to see their friends because many of these women were the other half of the couples they and their husband socialized with. Likewise, some of these ‘friends’ don’t want to go out with them either. They feel like divorce is a disease and it brings their own vulnerabilities to the forefront. This situation is an unfortunate bi-product of a break up. Fortunately, when one looks deep there are usually other divorced or single co-workers or acquaintances that can be of enormous help. Some of these people turn into life-long friends. Fast Recovery     Beware of being OK too fast. Women have always been taught to put on ‘a happy face’. They act strong for their children. They seem extremely functional to their friends. It’s hard to imagine that anything is wrong in their lives. This very fast recovery can be as dangerous as any of the more overt destructive behaviors. Usually these are women who want to please or not burden others. They act recovered even when they aren’t. Feeling Tired     It takes a great deal of energy to conceal feelings. Many women are so busy stuffing their feelings that they literally wear themselves out. Many people in grief talk about loss of energy or motivation. They don’t understand it takes energy to hold back the tears. A broken heart needs to be acknowledged and nurtured.     There’s no doubt that the break up of a committed affair leaves us feeling bewildered and abandoned. Something has happened that we didn’t anticipate. Someone we trusted has abandoned us. We feel vulnerable. Our hearts our broken. If You Are Experiencing A Break Up Remember, you are not broken. It’s your relationship that has failed. You are still a whole person with a whole life to live. It may feel absolutely crazy right now, but it’s the situation, not you that has fallen apart. Dig inside and remember that you survived many years without him. You can do it again. Do not create false memories.     Elizabeth kept going back to the wonderful romantic times she had with her ex. She tended to lament the relationship because the beginning was so magical for her. She quickly forgot her husband’s cold and withholding attitude. As she forgot, she began to mourn a person who didn’t really exist. She made herself feel worse and worse about the break up, blaming herself for not being able to hold on to such ‘a wonderful guy’. She became self punishing by getting involved with men that were in some way unavailable and repeated the same self destructive behavior over and over again. Elizabeth self-punished for years because she created a distorted picture of her marriage. Do not stuff your feelings.     Let yourself cry. Allow yourself to mourn. Remember taking a pill or eating a cooking will only make you feel different. They will not make you feel better. Do not blame yourself.     You are only 50 percent responsible for the breakup of your marriage if it’s even that much. Take partial but do not take full responsibility. Each of you made mistakes. Allow yourself to learn from these mistakes so you can do better next time. Be gentle with yourself. Recognize you are in crisis. Your world has been shattered into pieces. You feel like you are going crazy. Remember it’s the situation and not you. Do not worry about your age.     Many marriages dissolve when people are in there 50’s, 60’s and even 70’s. Our life expectancy is much higher today. There’s a whole community of people in your age range who are in same boat as you. You are not alone. Join a support group to help you meet others in the same boat as you.     Get help. Therapy is a good place to talk. It’s safe, confidential and you will be heard without judgment. It’s never too late to make changes. Learn how to love and nurture yourself. You deserve it. In Summary     It’s not uncommon for newly divorced women to engage in dangerous behaviors as a result of a broken heart and unresolved grief. When traveling down a new path, it’s OK to seek out the help of a guide. Perhaps it’s someone who’s been there before or someone who is has studied the road. Now is the perfect time to seek guidance. You don’t have to be alone. This article was originally published by the 4 Therapy Network January 2006. © 2006 Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT